What Sarah Said
by PersianFreak
Summary: Feeling lost and alone after the death of his wife, Eric turns to the only option he believes he has left. AH. Warning: Dark Themes.
1. Chapter 1

**What Sarah Said **by PersianFreak

Rating: M  
>AN: So this one right here gets into some pretty dark stuff, such as suicide and depression. If you are sensitive to either subject, I recommend you move right along.  
>Having said that, let me know what you think. This'll only be a handful of chapters, I suspect. <p>

_And I'll be thinking of what Sarah said,_

_That love is watching someone die._

_So who's gonna watch you die?_

"What Sarah Said", Death Cab By Cutie

_Chapter One_

I decided I was done, that cloudy day in March.

I was done with being the way I was, tired of how my life was panning out. I was disappointed with everything, I'd explained to the therapist I'd seen for a grand total of three sessions and I could almost see my diagnosis flashing across her mind. Depression, she said.  
>I was not surprised.<p>

Watching the glint of the blade in the bathroom lights, I wondered about the possibility of there actually being an afterlife where I could see Thalia again and ask her all the questions that had been haunting me for months. The grief I felt ran far deeper than just pain over her loss; it ate me up that while I thought we were fine, she was thinking about someone else. Despite the overwhelming sense of betrayal, however, I still couldn't bring myself to be angry at a dead woman, especially not one who'd made me so happy for so long.

I began pressing the edge of the blade across my wrist, watching the skin give under the pressure but not break. It left a faint line when I removed it, and I rubbed it away before getting a better grasp on the handle and pressing the tip into the top of the imaginary line that extended all the way down my forearm. It smarted a bit, and I steadied myself to rip through the skin, mesmerized by the feel of the cold metal against my arm. The sound of the phone ringing startled me and the knife broke the skin, bright red liquid lazily bubbling out of the puncture hole to begin travelling down. The sight of that was enough to hold my attention until the voice on the answering machine caused me to snap my head up. The quality of the machine made it sound tinny, but I would recognize that voice and that accent anywhere.

"Hey, Eric," the hesitant voice travelled to the bathroom and reverberated faintly. "It's Sookie. I know it's been forever… but anyways, I got offered a job here so I've moved back, and I just heard about what happened. With you, I mean. I hope you're okay, Eric. I'd love to- I mean, if you're up to it, I was hoping we could talk. I'd love to see you, it's been too long and, and I miss you, Vike. So, anyways, if you're interested give me a call, yeah?" She'd left her number and a last awkward chuckle before hanging up and leaving me to contemplate this latest development. She'd been living in Shreveport ever since we graduated from UCLA, and I hadn't even seen her in something like four years, but her voice… I'd shaken my head and noticed the way the blood was drying on my arm and had even smeared on my t-shirt. _I miss you, Vike_, she'd said like it hadn't been a decade since she came up with the nickname. Vike, short for Viking, is what she used to affectionately call me all those years ago. _What does that make you? Valkyrie? Should I call you Val? _I'd ask and she would bite her lip, giving me a nod of approval. _Pillage me, baby,_ she would murmur playfully and I would jump on top of her with a dramatic growl, reveling in her shrieks of laughter and laughing right along with her.  
>Gauging how I was feeling, I realized that for the first time in months I wanted something I could actually have. Not Compton dead or Thalia alive; I wanted to see Sookie. I wanted to see if she still had long hair, if she still refused to put on mascara, if her laugh was still as carefree. Standing up on shaky legs, I'd made a call to Dr Crane to book another appointment as soon as possible and got back into the bathroom, though this time for a different purpose. I showered and dried myself off, tossing the towel into the hamper to regard myself critically in the mirror. It had been ages since I'd left the house, let alone showered, shaved, or gotten a haircut, and I stroked my chin as I regarded the rest of my body. The last time I took a good look at myself I'd been twenty pounds lighter and muscular; I wasn't exactly looking too hot right then. A part of me wondered, as I poked the bit of flab on my stomach, if this was what Thalia saw and this was why she decided I wasn't enough, and I almost considered climbing back into the tub to finish what I'd planned on doing earlier. Instead I got dressed and called my sister, feeling a surprising amount of anxiety over speaking to someone I used to be quite close to, someone who was literally family.<p>

"Eric?" She sounded a mix of surprised and cautious.

"Hey Pammy."

"I'm coming over."

Twenty minutes later my sister burst in wearing stiletto heels and the type of outfit most women wear to cocktail parties, but that she wore to run to the grocery store.

"Are you okay?"

The question caught me completely off-guard and I froze, not sure how to respond. As upsetting it was to admit that I needed help, that I had indeed let myself hit rock-bottom, maybe it was time to try a different approach. I clearly wasn't doing well on my own and Pam loved me, in her neurotic controlling but intensely loyal manner.

"Pam, I-" I sank down onto the couch and my sister took up a bit of a defensive position; feet firmly planted on the ground, arms crossed across her chest. "I was going to… end it, today."

"End it," she repeated ominously and I held out my wrist for her to see. Her eyes widened and she moved to sit beside me, her hand reaching out for mine. "Eric."

"I know. I just… I didn't know what else to do." I stared at my feet and realized I needed to cut my toenails; fuck, I was a mess. Even the house was in bad shape and it was a tribute to the depth of Pam's concern for me that she was ignoring the garbage strewn everywhere.

"Get help, Eric. Please, tell me you're going to get help," her voice broke on the last word and I looked up to really meet her gaze.

"I already booked an appointment with a therapist. I'm done feeling like this." I cast a look around the living room. "And I think I want to sell this house." It had just occurred to me that Compton had probably been here and that was not a memory I wanted in my house; nor did I want the memory of my dead wife. Or the suicide attempt I'd just considered.

888

Before everything went to shit I worked as a graphic designer, but what I really loved to do was freelance cover art jobs I'd do for a handful of major publishing houses. Everything from children's books to textbooks, since I did my own photography which served well for the latter. The creativity and the pretty steady stream of job offers dried up when things fell apart about a year before my grim resolution, when somewhere between our fourth wedding anniversary and the trip we'd been planning for her 29th birthday, my wife got shot and killed by some kid holding up a convenience store. Odds are, if you give a kid some meth and a gun and nudge him in the direction of a convenience store, he won't even make it inside but Tommy Mickens managed to not only hold the place up, but also aimed the bullet at just the right angle to rupture Thalia's aorta and leave her bleeding on the dirty linoleum. To this day it amazes me how quickly my life turned upside down, but a higher power decided to take my wife away from me. Or maybe it was just bad luck, for both Tommy and myself, since he ended up in jail and I ended up… well, you know.

Five days after I became a widower, at the wake, I'd been informed of the affair by none other than the man who'd been fucking my wife behind my back.

"She was going to tell you," William Compton had told me. "She did love you."

"She just didn't respect me," I'd grimaced and asked that he be escorted out before proceeding to empty the contents of my stomach in the toilet.  
>So the depression diagnosis did not come as a shock. And even though I'd been on antidepressants since about December, eight months after her death I found myself sitting in the bathtub with the same knife Thalia had once cut herself on, contemplating what only vaguely resembled my life. The woman I'd thought I would spend the rest of my life with had been cheating on me before her death, I had no steady income, and I'd managed to push away everybody who ever cared about me; my sister Pam, my friends, my parents whose overwhelming messages I'd started ignoring. Suicide seemed like the only option I had left, and I would have gone through with it had it not been for Sookie.<p>

888

It took me a while to work up the courage to call Sookie back. By that point, I'd already been to see Dr Crane half a dozen times and had a brand new prescription, since the last one had clearly not been doing its job. It would take some time for the new stuff to work, but so far it had been going well, even though the urge to go through with my earlier plans still lingered. Other steps were taken as well, in order to get my life back on track; I'd cleaned the house from top to bottom and contacted a realtor to put it on the market, figuring I could use the down payment to get an apartment or something. Something that was mine. Additionally, at the suggestion of the therapist, I'd gotten back in touch with Tray and Alcide, both of whom responded rather enthusiastically and came over with some steaks, not speaking a word of how much of a shit I'd been to them for months. The following week, Amelia had called to invite me over, in her usual pushy way.

"Come on, Tray and I would love to have you," she'd insisted. "And Alcide and Maria are coming too, so it'll just be _us_, Eric. It's just a barbecue." So I'd relented, fully aware – for the first time – that within our college tri-coupledom, Sookie and I had been the only two not to last. Although technically I had been a part of a different couple while Sookie had drifted away by herself, except now I was thinking that she'd been keeping in touch with the girls if she was already caught up with my life. Maybe while I'd been so intent on pushing her out of my head, she'd been keeping tabs on me even though the last time I'd seen her had been at my wedding, and we'd only passively kept in touch through email for a couple of years before giving up completely.

So almost two weeks after my almost-suicide, after having listened to the message a dozen times, I dialed Sookie's number with shaking hands and waited for her to pick up, praying that it would be her machine and not her I would deal with.

"Eric?" Fuck. Of course she would have caller ID; she'd always been such a huge fan of it.

"Oh, uh, yeah. Hi," I stammered out like a fucking idiot.

"I can't believe you called. I was starting to give up."

"I wasn't sure I would," I confessed and could hear her exhale in disappointment.

"Well, I'm glad you did. I really do want to see you."

"That's what I want to talk to you about, actually. I'm not sure that's a good idea." I buried my face in my free hand, knowing that I was hurting her but not seeing the alternative.

"Oh."

"I'm just… I haven't been doing too well and I'm just trying to get my life back on track, and you…" I sighed. _Your opinion means too much for me to let you see me like this, even after all these years,_ is what I'd been meaning to say, but Sookie cut me off.

"Say no more. I get it." She was definitely upset and I rushed to make it better, shocking myself with the depth of my emotions.

"No, Sookie-"

"Look, it's okay. I understand, really. I'll see you around. Take care of yourself." I could hear the determination in her voice but didn't possess the energy to argue with her, so I wished her goodbye and hung up. A few days later I put on a pair of shorts Pam insisted I needed and a black t-shirt, styling my long hair and going so far as to put on a bit of cologne. I didn't look nearly as homeless anymore, despite not having gotten a haircut yet. I almost liked the hair longer without the beard, and I had to admit I looked alright; not as insane as before. Tray picked me up on Amelia's orders to ensure I wouldn't "bitch out" and not show up, and I shut up and did not grumble until we arrived out our destination.

"Mom, dad wouldn't let me ride in the front," I whined as soon as I saw Amelia and she rolled her eyes before wrapping her arms around me.

"Watch it, young man." She gave Maria a turn at hugging me, at which point I noted one rather crucial change.

"Hey, when did this happen?" I eyed her huge bump. How had I not known about this?

"Alc's birthday," Maria scowled over at her husband who just grinned and accepted the high-five Tray offered him. I stiffened as I recalled a message inviting me to a birthday party I'd ignored because I'd been too busy staying in bed and not showering. Catching on, Maria took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "We're glad you're here _now_," she murmured as she led me out to the backyard where Tray was arranging burgers and hot dogs on the grill.

"Me too," I responded rather sincerely and she gave me a smile before releasing my hand.

"Yo, want a beer?" Alc called from across the deck and I shook my head.

"I'm on meds. But thanks."

"Shit, sorry."

I shrugged. "It's fine. You got anything else?" He glanced back down at the cooler and nodded, giving me a few options and handing me the ginger ale I opted for. A few minutes later I stood with the guys at the grill, idly keeping an eye on the food and absently aware of the girls chattering just inside that I heard a third female voice, talking and laughing. I froze, watching as the screen door opened to let Maria, Amelia and Sookie through. She froze too, as soon as she laid eyes on me, and her smile faded to the point where we were just two idiots gaping at each other while everybody else watched us in a varying range of emotions.

"Did I forget to mention you guys were both invited?" Amelia chuckled nervously and Sookie shot her the kind of look that would scare the shit out of me.

"Must have slipped your mind," she said wryly and I glanced around to confirm for myself that nobody else had any idea this was going to happen.

"Excuse me," I muttered to nobody at all as I pushed past them into the house, heading straight to the kitchen for a glass of water. Someone followed me while outside, Tray hissed something at Amelia who retorted, and I turned around to find Sookie visibly upset.

"I'll leave. I didn't know. I wouldn't have come if I'd known."

I shook my head. "Don't. Stay, please."

"Vi-… Eric, you didn't want to see me, remember? It's fine."

"I'm the one who had the problem, so if anyone is leaving it should be me." Sookie opened her mouth to protest but I continued, "And I don't want to."

She nodded and sank down into a chair at the kitchen island. "That Amelia."

That Amelia indeed. "Meddling brat," I chuckled, following her lead. "I'm sorry about what I said, it didn't come out the way I meant."

"So what did you mean?"

"I'm glad you called me. Honestly, I am." Maybe one day I'd tell her just how glad. "I do miss you, and when I heard your message, all I wanted was to see you."

"So what went awry?" She smiled.

"I didn't want you to see me like this," I grimaced. "I haven't worked in months, I've barely left the house, I'm in therapy and on antidepressants."

"So?"

"So, for some reason, I still care what you think of me."

"Because I'm devastatingly beautiful?" She teased and I couldn't help smiling back.

"Because you're the one that got away," I said and once again watched the smile fade away, this time to be replaced with firm resolve.

"Alright, 'cards-on-the-table' time. I want you, Vike. I've always wanted you, even though we broke up and I moved across the country. I shut my piehole and let you get married because you were happy, and I did my best to get over you but I never stopped thinking about you. About us. I know you're not in a place where you would want to be with me, so I'll wait as long as it takes. I might date other guys if I get lonely, but nobody has ever measured up to you so I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon. I'm not going to pressure you for anything you're not ready to give, I just need you to know where I stand and that I'll be your friend if you decide that's all you want from me." Her hand reached for mine. "You don't need to say anything right now. I'd like an answer eventually, but I don't expect it right now. I'm sorry if I've said too much." Biting her lip, she let me see that she was quite anxious, and vulnerable. But this was quite characteristic of her; she'd asked me out the first time too, because she'd always been so brave.

I'm what some people would call a fucking coward.

"You realize just how screwed up I am, right?" The depression, the insecurity, the trust issues. Oh, the trust issues. I couldn't imagine getting over any of it for a while.

"I'm fully aware," she'd quipped and I laughed, shaking my head as I stood to pull her into my arms. She went quite willingly, wrapping her arms securely around my waist and resting her head against my shoulder.

"Thank you," I murmured, unsure of what exactly I was thanking her for, but she just whispered back, "You're welcome, Vike."

We went back out eventually, smiling to let everyone know we were okay. Amelia, who had evidently been told off by Tray, solemnly apologized to us both and we hugged her to let her know it was okay. The rest of the day was spent eating and drinking and reminiscing about our college days, and as I looked around at my friends I began to remember what it was like to not feel alone. Looking at Sookie, I could see that she was a bit subdued, or maybe she'd just changed but I had a hard time believing that. If it was because of me, then I figured the least I could do was show her how I felt about it, about her. There had been a point in my life when I'd thought I would be spending the rest of my life with her, and it was hard to not remember everything that had led me to believe that. She was still beautiful, and fun, so when she sat down next to an empty seat I casually strolled over and sat down beside her.

"Hey," I offered her a smile and she cast her eyes around the deck. Tray was handing over Alcide's fourth burger while Amelia brought out more drinks, and Maria was in the bathroom for probably the tenth time. We were by ourselves, more or less, and I watched as she noted all the other seats I could have taken. I wanted her to know, as broken as I was, that she mattered to me, that I cared about her. Because what it came down to was that had she not called me at that exact moment that day, I would not have been there today. I owed her my life, but what I felt for her – had always felt for her – ran far deeper than that; deeper, probably, than I had ever had the guts to admit to myself.

"Hey yourself."

"So tell me about this job that made you move back."

"It's a regular gig for the _Los Angeles Times_. I didn't think I would get it in a million years," she shrugged. "Not that I'm going to question it. It pays really well, and I'm going to have a weekly column on top of whatever other story I get."

"That's great, Sookie," I told her with incredible sincerity. "Are you excited? When do you start?"

"I'm stoked," she nodded, a wide grin on her face. "And I start on Monday but I have to have a draft of my first column ready to go."

"Do you have it done?" I asked, forking some potato salad into my mouth. Amelia, as much of a busybody as she may be, was phenomenal in the kitchen. Probably elsewhere too, since Tray had been a bit of player before they met. She locked him down, he admitted during his bachelor party when we'd all been three sheets to the wind.

"Of course I do," she grinned. "Have you ever known me to procrastinate?"

I shook my head, recalling her crazy organization skills. "Well, I'm excited for you. And I'm glad you're back in town."

"Who isn't!" She giggled and I laughed along with her, which is when everyone joined us again. I looked up when Maria sank down beside me with an _oomf_ and I instinctively reached over to rub her back.

"Eric, don't ever get pregnant. It sucks," she pouted and I nodded sympathetically.

"Well, I take my pills on a timer and I always make guys pull out, so I think I should be okay."

"See, to me she's all, 'Alc let's have a baby' so I get her pregnant and then she complains about it to you." Alcide sighed and took a seat, bringing his bottle up for a sip that he thought better of when he saw his wife's face. "Maybe I'll have a ginger ale too," he mumbled, rummaging around in the cooler as Sookie and I snickered quietly.

"Hey, do you guys want anything else or can I shut the grill down?" Tray called and we all gave him the 'okay' to go ahead so he joined us after giving Amelia a hand with the pitcher of punch and the huge bowl of pasta salad. I was having yet another helping of the potato salad when I felt a hand brush my thigh, and I looked over to find a mortified Sookie.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, letting the cynical discussion of reality shows go on without us.

"It's okay." We were all sitting pretty closely on the patio bench so it was expected that such things would happen, though I suppose she didn't want me to think she was putting the moves on me when just a couple of hours ago she'd promised to give me as much time as I needed.

"No, I told you I wouldn't and-"

"And you didn't _do_ anything. Calm down, Sookie. I'm a mess but I'm not such a huge mess that I can't handle something like that." I gave her a smile. "It's okay, really."

"Okay," she nodded and I took a bit of a leap, reaching for her hand under the table to give it a brief squeeze. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw that she stared for a moment before jumping back into the conversation like nothing had happened. Once the sun set and the temperature fell we headed inside, helping to clean up before Alcide and Maria announced they were leaving.

"You okay to drive?" asked Tray.

"Yeah, I had a beer before dinner and that was it." Alcide smiled and opened the door for Maria.

"Eric, how are you getting home?" Sookie asked once she'd decided to head home as well.

"I think Tray is driving me," I said, glancing over to see Tray giving me a nod and a smile.

"I can drive you, if you want."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Where do you live?"

"Santa Monica." I smiled apologetically.

"Me too," she grinned and that was that. I'd worried, briefly, that we would have nothing to talk about during the long drive, but Sookie had been so sweet offering that I'd just trusted her and let it go. My fear had been in vain as I'd discovered once we got in the car and bantered our way all the way to Santa Monica, fighting over the radio station. When Sookie's blue Nissan Rogue pulled up in front of my house was when I realized that I had done something I had not done in nearly a year; laughed and joked around. Maybe it was the pills, the therapy, the company or a combination of the three, but I felt good. Great. Sookie looked over at me and turned off the radio, leaning back in her seat to regard my Spanish-style home.

"It's a nice place."

"I guess so. I'm selling it. I want an apartment; something smaller."

"Something yours?" She smiled knowingly and I nodded back. "I'm very sorry about what happened, Eric."

"Why, did you make that guy shoot Thalia?" I was joking and she knew it.

"No."

"Then you don't need to be sorry. Shit happens." Shrugging, I looked out the window at the way the moonlight cast shadows on the sidewalk.

"You seem awfully flippant," she said, softly enough to not offend me.

"Eight months and an almost-suicide attempt later, I figure I've earned the right." I hated myself as soon as the words left my mouth; I'd bristled and said it in a way I knew would get a reaction, which is not what I'd meant to do. Sookie gasped quietly and I saw her eyes fill with tears.

"When?"

"Two weeks ago." I wondered if I should tell her exactly when, wondered if it was wise. "Nobody else knows except my sister."

"I'm glad you're okay," she whispered in a choked voice.

"Then why are you crying?" I reached for her hand.

"Because I can't imagine what would have happened if you'd gone through with it." Her words hit me low in the gut and I found myself walking to her side of the car to pull her out and into my arms. We stood for several long moments, just holding each other until I finally verbalized what had been on my mind.

"Sookie, I'm _no_ good for you."

Her arms wrapped ever more tightly around my waist, fingernails digging into my back, and I stroked my thumb over the skin left bare by her strapless dress. "Let me be the judge of that."

"What if you're wrong?" I didn't think I had it in me to let her down like I'd let down my friends and family.

"Then it'll be my mistake, won't it." Her voice was muffled in my shoulder but I just held her tighter. She was so much smaller than me, tiny compared to my six-foot-five frame, whereas Thalia had been five-foot-eleven.

And I did not want to be thinking about Thalia in that moment, so I pressed a kiss into the top of Sookie's head, and another into her temple so that she looked up and I could press my lips against hers. She kissed me back, not pushing me though I still panicked and pulled back.

"Shit. Sookie, I'm sorry, I can't."

"I know," she gripped my hands to keep me from walking away. "It's okay. Hey," she reached up to tilt my head back down, "it's okay. Please don't panic."

I exhaled forcefully and nodded, letting her know that I was okay.

"Would you like to come in?" I offered as a distraction and she met my gaze.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I love to snuggle, remember? If I come inside right now, I'm going to want to snuggle with you and you're not ready for that, so I'm just going to go home and snuggle with my dog."

I smiled. "You have a dog?"

"A golden retriever named Gatsby. He's just a puppy."

A lovesick puppy. That was incredibly clever. "You would name your puppy Gatsby. Does he have a Daisy?"

"Not yet." She'd cast a look around before adding, "I should go home."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She'd reached up to give me a kiss on the cheek before getting in the car. "Hey, if you ever need someone, like a couple of weeks ago, please call me." When I nodded she gave me the kind of look I didn't imagine she gave often. "I mean it. You mean a lot to me, Eric." I leaned down into the window to press my lips against hers.

"Sookie, if you're going to date, I don't have the right to ask you to not do it, just please, I don't want to know about it."

She gave me a long, vaguely sad look before nodding and leaving.

I went that home that night and stayed up, thinking until the sun began to rise again.

888

The house was sold less than a month later and I moved out in mid-April to a small apartment, still in Santa Monica. Everybody came over to help; the girls to pack up what I wanted and toss what I didn't, and the guys to do the actual moving. Even Sookie showed up despite my insistence that she didn't have to. She'd brought several homemade pies and as soon as he saw them, Alcide had wrapped his arms around her like she'd been his own personal teddy bear. I handed over the reigns to my friends when it came to Thalia's stuff; I didn't want any of it, and whatever her parents wanted they'd long since taken. I told the girls to have at it when it came to her valuables but they hadn't touched a thing, and I'd made a point of not being around for any of that. Once everything was packed up we loaded the U-Haul for the short drive and my friends ignored me when I said they didn't have to unpack. I had to give them credit though; they made a party out of it, playing music and drinking and eating, infecting me with their lightheartedness. The guys and I had been in the office rearranging some shelves but it was so hot that I was given the task of retrieving drinks from the kitchen. I was about to turn the corner into the kitchen when I heart voices whispering and I hesitated, not wanting to interrupt whatever it was that required lowered voices. Of course, this meant that I was eavesdropping but that thought was a bit slow in forming and I caught a voice, Amelia's I figured, whispering, "Because of the accident?"

"Yeah, it caused hemorrhaging." This second voice belonged to Sookie and I tensed, not liking the direction this conversation was taking or the tone in her voice. "The doctors told me when I woke up."

"Oh, Sook, if we'd known…" Maria began and let the sentence drift off.

"And there's nothing they can do? No hormone therapies?"

"It's not a hormonal thing, Mel. I am just physically incapable. It's okay, really, it's been four years now." Sookie didn't _sound_ like it was okay, whatever it was, but she cleared her throat and I got the impression the subject was closed. I walked backwards and headed towards the kitchen again, this time making some noise to alert the girls to my presence and got two beers and a water out of a cooler, smiling innocently.

"Where'd you go?" Tray asked me when I returned and I mumbled something about needing to take a leak and handed him the beer. By 10 PM I was alone in my brand-new apartment and free to consider the conversation I had overheard which had led me to believe Sookie was infertile. I hadn't heard anything about her being in an accident and wondered why that was, if the girls had known but kept it from or if Sookie had kept it from all of us. I wondered how the subject had come up today, or if it made Sookie sad being around Maria; she'd always wanted children and now my heart ached for her. Had she been with someone when she'd found out? Was it harder now, dating knowing that she didn't even hold the potential for children and that it could be a dealbreaker for some people? I didn't let myself contemplate whether it was a dealbreaker for me, because we weren't together. Yet. Maybe not ever. Regardless, I went to sleep that night still thinking about her.

_**A/N: If you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please, please seek help or help them find it. Suicide, though it may sometimes feel like the only option, isn't the way to make things better.**_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm alive! Sorry you guys, school has been so hectic lately!

So, Evl666 brought it to my attention that another story with this same title has recently been posted; I honestly have nothing to say except commend the author on their impeccable taste in music, because I haven't read the story myself. Hopefully this doesn't cause those of you who are reading both stories a lot of confusion.

Having said that, you guys' response to this story has been incredible, and I'm beyond flattered. It's always wonderful to get that sort of response, especially on a story I'm feeling quite unsure about.

Keep up the feedback please! Even if I don't respond, which I sadly can't, with midterms and all, I read everything you write me.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter Two<em>

A couple days later Maria came with me to go shopping for a brand-new bed, a couch, a dining table and a couple other essential furniture pieces, plus brand-new sheets and curtains.

"Wow," I murmured to myself as I checked the receipt, a bit shocked at the price tag. It was all going to come out of my savings and I was just going to have to replace it later, once I managed to get another job. "Wait, I think you forgot to charge me for the couch."

"No, she didn't," Maria smiled as the sales girl put another sale through and gave her the total, which happened to be the price of the huge micro-suede couch I'd picked. "The couch is on us."

"Who's 'us'?" I frowned.

"Me, Al, Tray, Amelia and Sookie. It's our housewarming present to you."

"Look, that's sweet of you guys, but it's a pretty expensive couch."

"Split three ways, no it isn't." She grinned and handed her credit card over.

"Maria, I can't-"

"Yes, you can. You don't know how happy we are to have you back, Eric. A couch is really the least we can do for you." The way she said that, the veiled vulnerability that I'd created, made me relent and I quite graciously thanked her, wrapping my arms around her body. Everything was going to get delivered two days later, so Maria and I headed out, grabbing a bite to eat at The Grove before she dropped me off. I had to admit that I enjoyed my apartment the way it as, half furnished and half barren, though it would definitely be nice to have actual places to sit and eat and whatnot. The LED on the answering machine was flashing passively in the corner and I hit Play as I poured myself a glass of water and leaned against the counter, the robotic voice droning on before playing the message.

"Eric, what the hell is wrong with you? I just talked to Dad and they haven't heard a thing from you. Why aren't you calling them? They're worried sick, dumbass!" Oh my eloquent sister. She did have a point though, so I put on my big girl panties – as Pam would say – and called them up, bracing myself for the overwhelming torrent of concern as my mother rambled on about how worried they'd been. My father ended up taking the phone away once she started crying, which was a bit of a relief since he and I always got along so well.

"Are you really okay, Eric?" he asked quietly.

"I'm in therapy, Dad. I have a new apartment and I'm looking for a job. I'm trying to get my life back in order."

He exhales. "Good. That's good, kid. You know, you can always comes to us if you need anything… We worried about you, we just never knew what to do."

"I know, Dad. I'm sorry I've been so distant but I've been a bit lost lately. Thalia, she…" I had no idea how to convey to my father that my marriage had been a lie. I wasn't sure my pride could take it. "I found out some stuff that changed a lot of things and I didn't know how to deal with it. But I promise you, I'm better."

"Your mother wants you to come for dinner on Sunday. Pam will be there too."

"Alright Dad. I'll see you then."

888

"So how are you doing," asked Dr Crane at my Wednesday afternoon session, crossing one long toned leg over the other. She was quite beautiful, to the point of being surreal, but incredibly professional which I appreciated because I was sure any amount of flirting or playfulness would render my sessions useless. I was far too mindfucked to be able to tolerate anything less than professional from my therapist, even if I didn't have Sookie.  
>Not that I <em>had<em> Sookie, by any definition of the word. I had no right to want her when I was so incapable of being anything other than a friend to her, and not even a very supportive one at that.

"Well. I'm doing well." I smiled. "I went out with a friend to buy some furniture the other day."

"Sookie?"

I had told her about everything with Sookie, so it was understandable that she would ask. "No, Maria. She's a good friend, I've known her for a long time. They all pitched in to pay for my couch though. They said they're glad to have me back."

"That's wonderful, Eric. Have you talked to your parents yet?"

I grimaced. "I'm seeing them on Sunday for dinner." They lived in Santa Ana in one of those boxy suburban homes on one of those deserted wide suburban streets. Pam had called me yesterday to announce that she would pick me up at eleven, but if I wasn't planning on drinking then I should drive us back because she fully intended to get a buzz going in order to endure our parents. I couldn't blame her; I almost wished I could drink too, if only to take the edge of what was sure to be a terribly guilt-laden meal with a side of inadequacy.

The following Friday, after having put it off for a dangerous amount of time, I began searching for job opportunities. There were a few potential ones for jobs on a smaller scale than I was used to, but I figured they would be a good place to start and applied anyways. I also sent off a couple of carefully-worded emails to my regular contacts at the publishing houses that used to hire me and prayed for the best. In the meantime, I dug out my portfolio and set to updating it, adding the various posters and covers I'd done before everything had gone to shit and updating my resume. It looked good, I thought afterwards as I sipped my coffee and flipped through the binder. Impressive, almost, that I'd managed to accumulate such a body of work in my thirty-two years. Sighing, I propped my feet up on the coffee table and cast a look around my apartment, pleased that it was all mine. I'd struggled at first with all the things that reminded me of Thalia; the photos, the random knick-knacks, the wedding band that I still hadn't managed to let go of. Maria had insisted that I put up photos around the place, I suspected to remind me of everyone that loved me and wanted me to get better, so I'd put up a few that didn't include my wife. The four of them had even gone so far as to frame a photo taken at Alc and Maria's wedding where Tray and I had been groomsmen and Amelia and Sookie had been bridesmaids, Sookie having come back to LA for the wedding. In a cheesy move orchestrated by – who else – Maria, we'd recreated a photo we'd all taken together at UCLA, our arms wrapped around each other and grinning like idiots. I actually had a copy of the old photo and put them up side by side over my little electric fireplace, and now I matched my photo selves' expressions as I admired the two. There had been a bit of an awkward moment when I'd realized I would have to wrap my arms around Sookie's waist and rest my chin on her head, in essence cuddling my ex as my then-girlfriend stood ten feet away, trying not to look uncomfortable. Sookie had seemed uncomfortable too, but Alc had cracked a joke and we'd all burst out laughing just in time for the photographer to capture the image.

Now I liked that I had that memory without Thalia, even though a second later Sookie had jumped out of my arms and graciously insisted Thalia take her place in my arms, which had made Thal quite happy. Within the group she fit too, my wife, in a way that Sookie no longer did because even though I'd tried not to be hurt that she'd left me to take care of her Gran, she had still broken my heart and left a scar in her stead. And our four friends had done their best to not take sides in our rather amicable breakup but I knew it was difficult because I'd been here and she'd been away, and witnessing my heartbreak had inevitably nudged them towards taking my side.

I was broken out of my thoughts by the sound of the _Hawaii Five-O_ theme emanating from my phone and a quick glance at the screen told me it was Sookie. I frowned, unsure of why she was calling me so late but pleased that she was anyways.

"Hello?"

"Hey you," she greeted cheerfully. "Shit, I didn't wake you up, did I? I just realized what time it is."

I glanced at the clock too; it was past ten. "No, I was just reading." That wasn't exactly a lie. I had my copy of _A Game of Thrones_ on the couch beside me, even though I was only ten pages into it.

"Oh, well, good, then."

I smiled at her awkwardness. "What's up?"

"Well, I was going to make pecan pie but I made too much mix so now I've got two pecan pies I'm not going to eat all by myself so I thought I'd bring one for you, since I remember how much you like it. Or, used to."

"Wow, seriously?" Just thinking about it made my mouth water. "I'd love that!"

"Yeah? I could bring it over now, if you'd like. When it's still fresh and all." I liked that she sounded a bit nervous. It was heart-warming to think that I made her nervous, that she cared enough to feel unsure around me.

"Only if you stick around and have some with me," I flirted smoothly and mentally stumbled out of sheer surprise. I hadn't realized I had it in me to be flirtatious, but there it was and I rushed to take it back because I didn't want to lead her on. "Sorry, that slipped out. Of course I'd love your company and I have some coffee or wine, if you wanted some?"

She chuckled. "You don't have to apologize, Eric. I'd love to hang out for a bit, so I'll just head over now? Does that sound good?" It did, and I told her so before we hung up and I began to anxiously tidy up the already impeccable house. I washed the couple of items in the sink and made sure I had decent wine for her since I would be sticking to coffee regardless of what she chose. Half an hour later she rang and I buzzed her in, nervously wiping my hands on my jeans and running a hand through my hair to make sure it looked alright. I opened the door before she had the chance to knock and her face lit up as soon as she laid eyes on me. Holding the dish away she wrapped her free arm around my waist and I hugged her back, enjoying the feel of her warm body against mine. She looked beautiful in a pair of shorts and a tight black tanktop that cut low and gave me a pretty great view of her breasts, since I was a foot taller than her. But I'd always thought she was beautiful, from the very beginning, and I'd once stayed up all night with her as she puked her guts up.

"Hey you," I murmured into her hair.

"Hey yourself." She squeezed my hip and presented the dish, waiting patiently as I lifted the tin foil to take a peek.

"Jesus, what do I have to do to get you to bake for me regularly?" It smelled fucking phenomenal.

"Sacrifice a goat, or a sheep." She winked, brushing past me into the kitchen. "Nothing extravagant like a cow, but nothing too small like a rabbit, ya know?"

"I think I can handle that." I followed her, watching as she easily pulled out a couple of plates and cutlery to cut up the pie.

"Oh, you don't mind, do you?" She asked suddenly, looking embarrassed that she'd practically made herself at home. "I just knew where everything was and I wasn't thinking-"

"Hey, you helped me unpack; as far as I'm concerned, it means you can do whatever you want." I smiled and reached over her to get myself a mug. "I'm sticking to coffee, but would you like some wine?"

"I think I'd like that," she smiled and I grabbed a wine glass from a higher shelf. I poured myself coffee and her wine, leading her to the living room.

"So how's the new job?" I asked once I'd had my first bite of the phenomenal pie. I was quite sure that the pie would be enough for me to overcome my depression if only Sookie was only willing to regularly make it for me. "I read your column on the culture of reality television. I thought it was fantastic; snappy enough to have flow, but really insightful too."

She blushed and hid behind her wine. "Aw, well thank you. I didn't think you would read it."

"Of course. Well, I may have missed the last one, but I'd love a copy."

"You're so sweet." She smiled and leaned in to kiss my cheek. "I'll email it to you."

"Good," I smiled back and had another bite. "So how is it?"

"It's great. I mean, it's wonderful enough to be working at a major publication, but it's great being back here too. I guess after Gran died it took me a while to realize that even though Louisiana was home, LA is where my heart is. I missed you guys a lot." She shrugged.

"We missed you too," I murmured and she met my gaze with a shy smile. "_I_ missed you. It took me a long time to get over you but it took years to get over not having you as my best friend."

"You were my best friend too." She hesitated. "I'm sorry for leaving the way I did."

I shrugged. "You had to go. It killed me but I got that eventually."

_I loved her so desperately that when she told me she planned on going back to Shreveport, I instantly took it as a rejection. I didn't take the news well, to put it kindly, but she seemed to understand my reaction._

_ "Baby, please, I _have_ to go back," she insisted earnestly, pulling the sheets up to cover her breasts. "It's my home."_

_ "I thought I was your home," I snapped back coldly and her eyes filled with tears._

_ "Eric, don't do this. Please just try to understand. I would never ask you to leave California but I expect you to at least try to see why I'm doing this. I grew up there, Gran and Jason are there, it's where my parents are buried."_

_ "What about me? You're just going to walk away?" I couldn't help sounding like a wounded little bitch. I'd had so many plans for us, plans which I'd admittedly failed to share, but I'd hoped all the same. I didn't think I could be blamed after three years of being together for having thoughts about the future that involved her. It fucking hurt that while I'd been considering the possibilities of marriage and moving in together, she'd known she would be leaving. So yeah, I'd had hope. _

_And now I had betrayal._

_ "It doesn't mean I love you any less," she mumbled at her lap, her voice breaking, and she began sobbing as she continued. "Gran raised me. She lost her son and she still raised me like her own, and now she's old and she can barely support herself. I just have to go back, Eric. Baby, please, I need you to see…" Her body shook with the force of her tears and I felt like shit for making her cry, for making it harder when I knew how much it had taken her to make this decision. When I took a second to think about it, it was obvious why she felt she had to go back. I'd probably do the same thing for someone like Gran. I pulled her close and wrapped my arms tightly around her as she continued crying._

_ "Fuck. I'm going to miss you so much." I knew it would be the end for us. Long-distance indefinitely? Neither one of us could handle that. For the first time over the course of our relationship we had an expiry date, and it was a whole seven months away. It felt like no time at all._

"What about you?" Sookie asked at last and I looked up at her, shocked out of my memories. "Job hunting yet?"

"I actually just applied for a bunch of different things online and updated my portfolio and stuff." I gestured at the bottle, silently asking her if she'd like more.

"Yes please. Can I see your portfolio?" She grinned and I found it hard to say 'no' to that face, so I reluctantly rose to retrieve the binder for her. "Jesus, Eric, this stuff is amazing! You did this?" She held up my cover of a bestseller from a couple of years ago.

"Yeah." I shrugged it off.

"I had no idea, that's incredible. Well, good luck. Not that you'll need it, with this rather impressive collection." She grinned and I stuck my tongue out at her. "I'm serious, Eric. I'm so happy for you, for…"

"Not being dead?" I joked but she didn't seem to find it very funny.

"Please don't joke about that."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." I reached for the hand she had resting on the couch and she squeezed it just as I realized she was crying. "Shit, Sookie." Without even thinking about it I pulled her into my arms and she wrapped herself around my torso, hiding her face against my neck. It wasn't full out crying, I realized, which was a relief. She was just upset and sniffling, and I leaned against the back of the couch so she was on top of me with her head resting on my shoulder.

"I think I've had enough wine for the night," she joked lightly and I laughed, my hand stroking up and down her back. She felt good there in my arms, vital. I hoped she wouldn't leave, but I was distinctly aware that I was probably leading her on with the flirting and the touching. It didn't make it any easier when she moved off though. "I should probably go," she muttered and stood up before falling right back down again. "Shit."

Shit, indeed. I'd forgotten how much of a lightweight she was, and she'd had two glasses of wine in a relatively short amount of time. "You should just stay here."

"Oh, I don't think that's such a good idea. I think I'll just take a cab home and come back for my car later."

"Come on, Sook. You can have my bed and I'll sleep on the couch. I'll make you breakfast in the morning," I offered enticingly and she bit her lip.

"Are you sure?" She still looked so unsure.

"Of course. Come on," I stood up and held out a hand she tentatively accepted, following me down the hall to the master bathroom. I handed her a toothbrush from the pack of multiples I'd bought from Costco and left her after pointing out the mouthwash and opening a new soap for her in case she wanted to wash her face. Back in my room I pulled out a t-shirt I knew would be big on her, and wondered if it would be too intimate if I offered her a pair of boxers as well. I didn't want to be a bad host though, so I figured I'd leave one out in case she decided she wanted it. Having done that, I grabbed some clothes for the morning since I usually slept in my underwear, and got a blanket and pillow out of the hall closet. While I cleaned up in the living room I heard her emerge from the bathroom and after several moments she emerged makeup free and in my clothes. I hadn't been expecting the rush of affection it caused seeing her wearing my UCLA t-shirt like she used to, all those years ago, but I shook it off.

"All good?"

"Yeah." She was a bit unsteady on her feet, I realized. "Thank you."

"Thank _you _for the pie," I smiled. Plus, it was nice to have someone around, around bedtime. I realized Sookie was still standing there. "Is everything okay?" She looked nervous.

"I think you should sleep in your bed."

"I'm not going to make you sleep on the couch, Sook," I chuckled.

"No, I meant, uhm, I was wondering how you'd feel about us sleeping beside each other." That was very carefully worded, I noted with amusement. She wanted to sleep with me? That meant cuddling, which I could definitely appreciate, but I was worried about what else would happen. I didn't want to hurt her. "You don't have to! I mean, it was just a stupid idea. I think it's the wine or PMS or something." She blushed, looking a bit sad and drunk.

"It's not that, Sookie. You know I'd love to, I just don't know if it's a good idea considering how fucked up I still am."

"I guess wine makes me nostalgic," she muttered, kicking half-heartedly at the carpet. "Just, forget about it." She offered me a little smile and turned to return to the bedroom but I strode over and caught up with her.

"Let's go to sleep, Susannah." I took her hand and we crawled under my covers, but not before I took off my shirt and caught Sookie staring. That was nice too, since I'd started to get myself back in shape by joining a gym and going on daily runs. In order to avoid making her uncomfortable I put on pajama pants instead of stripping down to my boxers. Sookie rested her head on my chest and her hand on my stomach, and I stared wide-eyes at the ceiling as I got used to how it felt to have another person beside me again. The problem was I was no longer in the mood to fall asleep and, judging by her breathing, Sookie wasn't either.

"So, any hot men at work?" I asked quietly into the darkness and she laughed.

"There's always a token hot man." Well, that wasn't really a response, was it?

"Any potential?"

"Eric, are you trying to ask me if I'm seeing someone?"

I hesitated. "No?"

"You're a terrible liar, Mr Northman. Think I'd be in your bed if I had a boyfriend?"

"I was just asking if there are any potential men." I hadn't meant to offend her. I was just a jealous fuck who didn't deserve her.

She chuckled and turned her face into my skin. "No, Eric. No potentials."

"I didn't mean to pry," I said apologetically.

"I know. How are you doing? Lately, I mean?"

"Better. I have therapy on Wednesdays and I'm still on antidepressants, but I feel… good."

"That's great, Eric." Her arm around my waist tightened and I stroked her hair. We chatted for a while longer until I drifted off, awakening in the morning at the sound of an ambulance driving by. I groaned and realized my arm was asleep due to the gorgeous blonde still curled up at my side, her lips parted as she snored ever so softly. Thinking back to college for a solution, I coughed a couple of times and she hummed as she rolled away from me, like she always used to. Now free, I carefully extricated myself from the sheets and used the bathroom before heading over to the kitchen. She had never gotten hangovers but I still made sure I had some Aspirin just in case, and set to making breakfast. Amelia had insisted I needed a waffle iron so I decided to put it to good use this morning and whipped up some chocolate chip waffles, hoping that was okay.

"Morning."

"It sure is." I grinned at her, in her rumpled clothes and bedhead. "How are you feeling? I have some Aspirin if you get hangovers now."

She squinted at me and shook her head. "I'm all good. Is there coffee?"

"Do you even know me?" I poured her a mug and she thanked me with a kiss to my cheek that sent tingles all the way down my spine. "Chocolate chip waffles okay?" I asked in an attempt at distracting myself.

"Oxygen okay?"

We grinned at each other, pleased with the familiar exchange. Thalia used to hate waffles, I recalled and the smile faded quickly. Sookie had already turned away and missed it, thankfully.

We had breakfast in companionable silence and afterwards Sookie changed back into her clothes, kissing me on the cheek and thanking me for letting her spend the night. I felt oddly alone when she was gone but tried to push past it. I went for a run before lunch, returning to shower and throw together some pasta. Later in the afternoon I went grocery shopping and met up with Tray for coffee before returning home to kill time by fixing dinner. On Sunday I woke up early and ran to the gym, doing a few sets of weights before running back home to shower, swallowing down a couple pieces of toast and got ready with just enough time to leave. I was going to drive my car to Pam's so that when I drove us back later, I'd have means of getting home. She was already in her car by the time I arrived and honked impatiently as I parked.

"Jesus, Pammy. Relax, will ya?" I threw myself into the passenger seat.

"Don't call me Pammy, asshole. And you don't get to tell me to relax; you're not the one Mom looks to for grandchildren."

"Aw, don't be like that."

"Oh shut up, it's not like she's going to bug you about it, ye of testicles and dead wife." My sister, the queen of tact and sensitivity.

"Yeah, I got lucky." I rolled my eyes and that seemed to make her snap out of it.

"I didn't mean that," she muttered.

"I know." And I did. Pam would have been a lot to handle for anybody, but her homosexuality was the cherry on top for our emotionally suppressed parents. I did feel for her a lot of the time though, for having to fight against the preconceived societal roles our mother kept trying to pigeonhole her into. Pam did not want children; never had, probably never would. And like she said, it's not like my mother was about to ask _me_ when I would make her a grandmother when I was recovering from depression and the sudden tragic death of my unfaithful wife. Not that my parents knew about that last part.

The drive to Santa Ana would have been forty minutes without traffic, not that it ever was. I was a good brother and had brought snacks that I willingly fed to Pam, and for the first time in ages we laughed and joked and got along, even getting in a minor Fuzzy Peach war at a red light. We got to the Northman home at a little past noon and I reluctantly got out of the car.

"It'll be okay, big bro." I looked at her, surprised at the tenderness in her voice. She stretched up on her toes to wrap her arms around my shoulders and I willingly wrapped my arms around her waist. "I'm so glad you're okay, Eric."

"I love you too." I murmured and we pulled apart.

"I was getting tired of bearing the full weight of the parental disappointment," she added, ruining the moment and turning on her high heel to walk away. By the front door she turned to give me a look. "Well, are you coming or not?" I sighed and followed her inside.

888

Far too many hours later I herded a tipsy Pam out of our childhood home and into her car where I had to convince her to let me buckle her in. Mom had been predictably overwhelming while dad had done his best to balance her out by being the calm parent. They both hugged me briefly before moving on to interrogating me for the entirety of the meal, which was actually delicious.

I was relieved to be out of there, though. Pam fell asleep as I drove us back to LA. It was practically dinner time by the time I got home, but I wasn't in the mood to cook. I felt tense from my mother's questioning, like it had rattled the box holding my unpleasant memories and now they no longer fit, their intricate puzzle pieces keeping the door from shutting and leaving me in peace again. I needed to be around people, but Alc and Maria were in San Diego visiting Maria's parents and Amelia and Tray had date night, so that just left Sookie. I felt bad about calling her up when we'd seen each other just the other day but I didn't think it'd turn out well if I spent the evening alone.

I bit the bullet and called her up.

"Hey Vike, what's up?"

"Hey, uhm, have you had dinner yet?"

"I have not. Why, were you going to cook for me?" Her tone was light and playful, but I didn't want to be home.

"How about I just take you somewhere fancy and treat you?"

"And by fancy you mean…?"

"So demanding. What do you want?"

"Indian," she responded instantly.

"Alright, Miss Stackhouse. Shall I pick you up?" We quickly made plans and I changed into an old pair of jeans and a light shirt before driving over to pick her up and drive us to my favourite Indian place. Afterwards I found somewhere to park and we walked down to the ocean, dropping down onto the sand in the dark.

"You okay?" She asked at last. "You've been really quiet all night."

"I had lunch with my parents, and Pam. My mom just… asked a lot of questions I didn't want to reconsider, and I needed some company." I winced – it made her sound like she was a placeholder when she wasn't. The only reason I had considered our other friends' availability was because I didn't want to lead her on when I was emotionally unavailable.

"I can be your friend if it's what you need, Eric." I looked over at her, unable to make out her expression, half-lit as it was by the street lights a few dozen feet away.

"I need it." I tried to chuckle and play it off, but she didn't really laugh.

"Then I'm here. I can't sleep over tonight though, work in the morning and all." This time I could see her smile and it gave me the courage to spread my legs and pat the sand between my knees. Sookie shook her head at me but moved to lean back against my chest, resting her arms over mine when I wrapped them around her waist.

"Tell me about your day."

"Hmm," she tapped her fingers on the back of my hand. "Well, I got a manicure today," she held up her hands, her nails painted a pink-ish colour. Magenta, I think it was called. "And then I got a haircut, thank you for noticing."

"It looks very pretty," I commented belatedly and she twisted in my arms to giggle at me. "You always look beautiful," I added, dropping my mouth to her shoulder for a kiss.

She shivered. "Vike," she whispered when I planted another one. She reached back to rest a hand on the side of my head, to stop me. "Baby, I can be your friend but this I can't do, okay? Don't be cruel, Eric."

"I'm sorry," I whispered and moved my hands to lean back onto them, letting her rest against my torso. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't." Her voice was soft though, with an edge I'd put there.

"Want to know a secret?"

"Sure."

"The first time you called me?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't pick up because I was in the bathtub with a blade on my wrist." I wrapped my arms around her again, and I could feel how tense she was. "I heard your voice and I didn't do it. I didn't want to do it, I just wanted to see you again."

"Eric."

"I thought you should know. I thought you should know that you saved me." We sat there in silence for a while, until it became too cold for us to remain sitting so we rose, brushing the sand off and heading back to the car where I proceeded to drive her home.

"I'll see you later?" I asked and she nodded, thanking me for dinner and wishing me a good night.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: You guys are absolutely wonderful! Thanks for all the feedback and the author/story alerts, you guys! They make my day, so please keep 'em coming! This is the longest chapter, and I kept adding on to it until I just had to cut myself off without a really thorough edit, so hopefully it's not too outrageous! Let me know if it is. I hope you enjoy it =]  
>To those of you in Canada, I hope your Thanksgiving weekend was wonderful!<p>

_Chapter Three_

I awakened late, to the sound of the phone ringing, and I groaned as I stumbled and almost crashed into the wall in my haste to reach it.

"Hullo?"

"Mr Northman?"

"Yes, this is he."

"This is Sandy Sechrest from Remarque. I'm calling in regards to your online application for a position in our Creative Department?"

"Oh, yes, of course." I couldn't help getting my hopes up.

"I was wondering if you'd like to come in for an interview sometime this week. Would Thursday or Friday work for you?"

Christ, that was quick. "Friday would work."

"How does nine AM sound?"

"Great." She quickly told me where to go and who to look for, and less than thirty seconds later I was standing there wide-eyed at the concept of an actual job interview.

To my complete and utter shock Monday brought another invitation for an interview, this time at Sage Media and on the following Monday morning. My contact at Peachtree publishing house responded to my email, enthusiastically welcoming me back to the business but admitting that they had no need for freelance work at this time. He would keep an eye out for me though, he said and that was that.

888

"Do you know what you're going to wear?" Maria asked me with the everlasting well of patience that would come in handy once the baby was born, in about a month's time.

"Uh," I looked around my living room as if the answer would reveal itself to me. "I feel like this is a trick question."

"Do you have a nice suit? Something that fits you well? You've lost an awful lot of weight lately."

"Are you saying I was fat before?" I joked into the phone and she scoffed.

"Don't talk to me about being fat, Eric Andreas Northman."

"Ria, you're not fat, you have a whole person inside you."

"That's what Alcide says too, and I say 'fuck right off'."

Oh goody. "Okay, I'm sorry, focus on me again. I don't think I have a well-fitted suit."

"Right. So we're going to have to go shopping and hopefully find some place that can tailor it by Friday."

I grimaced. "Do we have to?"

"Don't test me, Andreas."

"I'm sorry. Today?"

"Yes. Come pick me up and we'll go see what we can do."

So I did, pressured into shopping by my anxiety over the interviews and my fear of Maria ripping off my balls in a hormone-induced rage. I followed her unmistakable waddle into store after store until several hours later when I stood in front of a mirror, patiently watching an older man pin the charcoal gray suit on my body to mark all the alterations that would have to be made. It would be ready by Thursday morning if I put a rush order on it, so I did and docilely followed Maria to the cash register where she handed me several shirts and ties to match the two suits I'd selected.

"Do I really need all the- Yes, yes I do need all of these," I amended upon seeing the dangerous look in her eyes. "May I treat you to dinner, my darling Maria?" I was laying it on thick and she rolled her eyes at me, reminding me that Alcide would be heading home from his job at the law firm. "Well hey, I could call him and he could meet us somewhere? I haven't seen him in a while." She seemed to like the sound of that so that's what we did, making plans to meet at our usual restaurant at The Grove for dinner.

For someone who didn't know them very well it would be hard to imagine Maria and Alcide working, as a couple. From the first time I'd met her, at a frosh week party at UCLA, she'd been the most clear-headed person I'd ever known. Her no-nonsense attitude and intelligence, plus her need to always be in control had somewhat clashed with Alcide's tendency to be a bit of a goof. It would be easy to imagine Alcide tiring of her controlling personality and Maria growing tired of his laid-back vibe, but together the two of them fit, perfectly. Because with Alc, Maria didn't feel the need to constantly be in charge and around her, Alcide managed to find the balance between a goof and a good husband. They'd loved each other from the very beginning, Maria told me once with a silly grin that had been so unlike her. Even Alcide with his _que sera sera _outlook had confessed that he'd known if he couldn't get Maria to marry him, he would never want anybody else.

And now they've been married for seven years.

I can't help being envious, of them and of Amelia and Tray, for having functioning marriages when mine was shit, because I would be lying if I said no part of me missed Thalia and what she represented in my life. Sometimes I missed the simple companionship she offered; sharing meals, working around each other at bedtime, hearing another person in the house. Somewhere past what used to be the aching grief, I was lonely, but still entirely incapable of being half of a whole.

So that just left hookers. I chuckled internally.

Instead I tried being content with being alone, tried not being lonely.

I went out for long walks, listened to the buskers on 3rd St Promenade and people-watched on the beach, and learned to enjoy the quiet moments in my life as much as I did the boisterous ones I spent with my friends. I rediscovered the simplicity of sitting outside on a warm day, sipping iced tea and reading pretentious books. On weekends I had a standing date to meet up with Tray and Alc for a drink or took lunch to an exhausted Maria-Starr. I lived my life and tried to become – not the person I'd once been – someone new. Someone who'd grown and who'd become a better person for it.

The two interview days came and went; I was relieved to be done with them and quite pleased with how they each went, though I secretly hoped for the Remarque job, an intermediate position in the ad agency's art department. It paid better and had more potential as a career path, plus it was a larger company than Sage was. The day after my Sage interview I received a call inviting me to go in for a second interview at Remarque on Wednesday, at the end of which I was offered the job and a salary higher than the sum originally suggested. I accepted, unofficially, and by the end of the week went in to sign papers and formalize my employment.

It felt amazing. I was healthy – healthier than I had been – I had my own place, my friends, my family, and now I had a job. Because after hours and hours of therapy I had realized something; Sookie's first departure all those years ago had left a permanent crack in me, the rejection leading me to believe, on a subconscious level, that I was incapable of finding love again. If the great love I'd known with Sookie had been so easily broken down, what chance did I have? So in my insecurity I had clung on to the only life raft I could detect being thrown my way and in my vulnerability, I'd glorified it to prove to myself that I was worth more, when really, I was just terrified that Thalia was my only option.  
>Maybe Thalia had glorified me as well, seeing me as some sort of an ideal because I was decent and handsome and self-sufficient, and Compton had been her Sookie. I'd wrinkled my nose as I'd drawn that parallel during a session and Dr Crane had smiled at me, applauding me for taking that step. I felt lighter when I began trying to understand Thalia and accepted her flaws as just that; <em>her<em> flaws, not necessarily shortcomings on my part that rendered me broken and incapable of being loved.  
>Because I was loved.<br>Sookie loved me, enough to not lay claim to me and to stand back, understanding that I needed to heal. She loved me even though she would never say it for fear of pressuring me, but I'd been there the first time she'd fallen in love – I'd seen the way she'd looked at me when she'd loved me, and she still did albeit in a less intense way, made so by time and distance. I was pleased that despite how damaged I was, I still managed to recognize that. It meant I wasn't beyond help. It meant that maybe, someday, I could return the favour.

888

I groaned and put my hands on my hips, surveying the mess I'd made in my office. I didn't understand where it could possibly be, since it wasn't exactly small and also, it had been quite a huge part of my life before Thalia's death. I didn't understand how I hadn't thought to look for it until now in the first place. And now I fucking couldn't find it.

Frustrated, I tugged my phone out of my pocket and dialed, waiting impatiently until she picked up.

"Happy Endings massage parlour, what do you need loosened?"

I grinned, my mood instantly lightened. "Chastity, is that you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir," she purred. "Chastity stepped out for a moment. This is Candy, is there _anything_ I can do for you?"

"Wow, you're really good at that," I couldn't help laughing.

"I get that quite often," Sookie giggled back, dropping character entirely. "So what's up?"

"Well, I was trying to find my camera and I was wondering if you remember seeing it, when I moved in and you guys helped me unpack?"

"Uh, off the top of my head, no. How fervently are you searching?"

I cast another look around the room. "Fervently."

"You're standing in the debris of your office right now, aren't you?"

I winced. "No."

"Uh-huh. Want me to come over and help a bruthah out?"

"No, I want you to come over and help _me _out, not Omar from _The Wire_."

"You've never seen _The Wire_, I don't need your sarcasm."

"How do you know I've never seen _The Wire_? I could have seen _The Wire_!"

"Have you seen _The Wire_?"

I hesitated. "No."

"I'll leave in a bit," Sookie chuckled and hung up. I moped about for the half hour or so it took for her to arrive and I hauled myself off the couch to let her in and hug her 'hello'. She smelled good, and looked even better in a hot pink maxi dress.

"Were you going somewhere?" I asked, shutting the door behind her.

She gave me an odd look. "No. This isn't fancywear, this is I-was-too-lazy-to-coordinate-an-outfit-so-I-put-on-one-item wear."

"Ohh, I understand now."

"Yup." She followed me to my office and took in the considerable mess I'd made. "Dear god, you've been robbed!"

"I was frustrated," I defended, forcing myself to not stare at the smooth, tanned expanse of skin across her shoulder blades. Fuck, she was sexy, with her wavy blonde hair in a messy bun and her face free of makeup, and the fucking dress just hinting at her curves.

"Uh-huh," Sookie looked over her shoulder. "Eyes up here, bud."

"Sorry," I muttered with minimal sincerity. "You look really good. Beautiful. Not that you don't always look beautiful, but now especially…" I cut myself off with a shake of my head, but smiled when Sookie turned around to kiss my cheek.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Now," she said, switching gears, "Have you looked in your bedroom?"

"Uh, no?"

"I have a feeling…" she drifted off and nudged me to the other room where she proceeded to barge into my walk-in like she belonged there, and came to a halt in front of the floor-to-ceiling shelving unit inside. Most of the shelves – that is, the ones I didn't have to lie on the floor to access – were filled with my clothes save for the top two shelves, which had doors and were, to the best of my knowledge, empty. Sookie stood pointing at those with an expectant look on her face, her outstretched arm not even grazing them. I chuckled and reached past her to open the shelf, making a victorious sound when I saw my camera bag.

"Ah, you're the best friend I have ever had." I grinned and gave _her_ a kiss on the cheek.

"Jesus, when's the last time you used that?" Sookie asked once we were back in my living room and I was importing whatever photos I'd last taken onto my laptop.

"I have no idea, June of last year?" I shrugged and tapped my laptop as it loaded everything. Sookie was sitting next to me, close enough so she could see the monitor which happened to be close enough for our arms to touch. Her bare skin was so warm against mine that I couldn't help looking over to smile at her. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." She smiled back, some of the lightness in her eyes draining away to be replaced with a bit of melancholy. I wanted to kiss her, so badly, but I was too afraid of upsetting her so I settled for pressing a kiss onto her nose and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. I turned back just in time for the photos to load, and for my heart to stop beating.

The last time I ever used the camera had been my fourth wedding anniversary. The memory card was filled to the limit with our midnight picnic in the park, the one I'd so painstakingly planned and executed perfectly. There were pictures of us together, but mostly of just Thalia, dressed as she was in a sexy little dress and in love as she was with someone who was decidedly not her husband of four years. I tensed, my arm frozen around Sookie as I scrolled through the photos. Now that I looked at the photos I thought she didn't look quite as happy as I'd imagined, as I'd pretended she'd looked. I looked happy though; in love and happy, and that was the biggest slap to the face of them all.

"Eric," Sookie murmured.

"It's fine." I shook my head and relaxed a bit when Sookie crept closer to wrap an arm around my front and rest her head on my shoulder. I wondered how it had felt for Thalia to go home that night and fuck me, and say she loved me, when she truly loved Compton. I wondered what had gone through her mind as I'd held her afterwards, if she'd wished I were Bill, if she'd felt sad at all that she was living a lie.

Fuck.

I disentangled my body from Sookie's and pushed the laptop aside to stand up, my hand pushing my hair out of my face. Sookie shut the laptop and folded her hands in her lap, giving me a sympathetic look that would have pissed me off on anybody else.

"Tell me." Fuck. All she had to do was utter two words and I fell apart, launching into an incoherent rant about everything running through my mind, all the graphic details that I should have spared Sookie from but that I couldn't hold back in that particular moment. Once I was done I stood there panting and feeling a bit lightheaded after my minor breakdown, and when Sookie saw me wavering slightly she patted the seat next to her. "I'm sorry," I mumbled into her neck when she moved to sit in my lap, wrapping her arms around me. "I feel like every time you see me I drop a bomb on you."

"Not every time," she giggled. "And don't apologize."

"Thanks for being the best."

"Eh, you know, I can't even help it!"

I laughed and closed my eyes, resting my head on her shoulder until I felt better.

888

Little Victoria Herveaux was born in June, at a point when I was feeling better than I remembered ever feeling. I still saw Dr Crane regularly and I was still on antidepressants, but a much lower dose than I had been back in March.

And on top of that, Vicki was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. Amelia, Tray, Sookie, and I were all more than willing to step up to the plate and fill our roles as aunts and uncles. We doted on her, perhaps a bit too much, but none of us quite cared enough to stop. I went to Santa Ana every other Sunday, sometimes with Pam, and had a perfectly pleasant meal with my family as I tried to suppress the urge to get into an argument with my overbearing mother. On July 1st we all took Sookie out for dinner at her favourite Greek restaurant, even though Alcide and Maria were jumpy and contemplated calling their sitter ever twenty minutes. Regardless, we all had fun and sufficiently embarrassed Sookie when we got the waiters to bring out her cake and sing her happy birthday. I gave her a chaste birthday kiss afterwards as I dropped her off and she thanked me for everything, somehow knowing that I was behind the whole production.

"How did you know?"

"Who else would plan something this painstakingly?"

"Amelia?"

"But not in a meddling sort of way?" She amended.

"Fair," I smiled. "Happy birthday, Beautiful. You're older than me now."

"Only for three months!" She grinned, "And thank you. I'll see you on Saturday?" Amelia was having another barbecue for the Fourth.

"Sure will. Have a good night."

"Good night."

Three days later we all met at the Dawsons' place to celebrate. Amelia invited Pam, since they'd hooked up a few times during college, but Pam had taken a rain check in favour of some orgy-esque gathering at the Malibu beach house of one of her fuck buddies. We all understood.

My apparently very conservative friends and I all had a great time and, once the majority of the adults had gotten appropriately drunk, Maria and I sat and watched them, alternating taking care of the baby.

"So how are things with you and Sookie?" Ria asked at one point as I made silly faces at Vicki.

"What things?" I blew out my cheeks, which Vicki ignored in favour of drooling, and really, I couldn't blame her.

"Come on, you have a thing! Or a non-thing. Everybody knows it."

"Ria, it's not a thing. We're…" I shook my head, hugging the baby close to me and watching Sookie get into a minor food fight with Amelia. "She's amazing, but I don't have it in me to be with anybody."

"You always say that, do you honestly believe it?" She reached over to wipe her daughter's chin.

"I do right now."

"It doesn't happen to have anything to do with any insecurities you might have developed thanks to a certain someone not realizing how perfect you are, does it?"

I gave her a look. "No."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"Good. Because you would make any woman wildly happy, if you gave yourself the chance. And if that woman happened to be Sookie, who cares about you and is also the only woman I'd consider going gay for other than the mom on _Gilmore Girls, _then kudos to you."

"Hey, she's hot," I played along.

"Sookie or Lorelai Gilmore?"

"I'll leave that open for your interpretation."

"Oh my god, you used to watch _Gilmore Girls_!"

"Did not!"

"You so clearly did!"

"Thalia used to make me watch it," I defended, disgruntled.

"But you _liked_ it!"

"Shut up. Take your child." I handed the baby over and slid down in my seat. "I'd have a threesome with Sookie and Lorelai," I mused and Maria covered Vicki's ears, shooting me a dirty look. "Come on, wouldn't you?"

My friend gave that some thought. "Hmm. Maybe. If Alcide were out of the picture and you babysat for me, I'd go for it."

"Okay, but get Amelia to babysit, I'd want to watch."

"You're so perverted, it's insane."

"Thank you."

"It's good to have you back." She patted my knee and left to change Vicki's diaper, leaving her seat to be taken by a breathless Sookie.

"Hey you."

"Hey yourself." She eyed my torso. "Why are you wearing a shirt?"

"Because you're naked enough for the rest of us," I shot back, giving her bikini top and tiny denim skirt a pointed look.

"Oh I'm sorry, are you complaining?" Sookie asked, crossing one leg over the other and letting her foot brush over my calf.

"Nope."

"I didn't think so."

"Modest, aren't we?"

"I can't help it if I look good."

"Neither can I," I muttered.

"I see no evidence of this," she snorted.

"I'll take that challenge." I whipped off my shirt and stood up to do some stretches, enjoying Sookie's gaze raking across my body.

"That's not fair! You have a six pack!"

"You have boobs."

Sookie rolled her eyes and took a long swig of her beer, still eyeing me appreciatively.

888

We both reached for the sugar dispenser at the same time and then drew back, chuckling awkwardly. I gestured for her to go ahead and she accepted, giving me the time to really take her in, for the first time. She had gorgeous dark red hair that fell in a curtain, concealing her features, and a delicate bone structure under a creamy complexion. Her cheeks were flushed when her gaze met mine and she offered me a little smile as I noted her brilliant green eyes.

And I felt, nothing. Instead I noted the sheen of her nose and forehead, and her lackluster chest, and shapeless legs. Fuck, I was kind of an asshole, wasn't I? Here was this woman whom, under different circumstances, I would be interested in because she was talented and hard-working and beautiful – really, she was – and yet all I could do was compare her to a certain curvy blonde.

"Thanks. Well, I guess I'll see you around," she smiled again and left with her coffee cup clutched tightly in her hands, and I didn't even bother watching her ass as she walked away. I stayed in the kitchen for a long time, leaning against the counter and pondering what it meant that I had no interest in Sophie-Anne. I'd been working here for weeks now, and had noticed her noticing me on more than one occasion. In another world, I would have considered dating her. That is, in a world in which I was not damaged and Sookie didn't occupy my every waking thought, even though I hadn't seen her in a while. I made a note to call her later and took my own coffee back to the studio. Remarque didn't believe in cubicles, preferring an open setup to encourage the free flow of creativity, or some other hippie bullshit that was actually quite endearing. I spent the rest of the afternoon on a rough sketch of a magazine ad for facewash, and went home with the now-familiar feeling of having accomplished something and proceeded to make myself a fairly decent meal before calling up Sookie.

"Yellow."

"What are you, fourteen?"

"My fourteen-year-old self would have answered with more snark, I'll have you know. And hello to you too."

"Good evening, Ms Stackhouse."

"Good evening, Mr Northman. What can I do for you?"

"I was just calling to say Hi. I haven't talked to you in ages!"

"I know! You've been all Mister Working Man! Which is great, by the way, and I'm quite happy for you, but you're not being a very attentive friend, are ya?"

"I'm sorry! It's been a lot to get used to!"

Sookie chuckled. "I know, I was just teasing."

"So, do you want to come over sometime? I'll cook for you."

"Oooh, enticing! I'd love that. When?"

We settled on the following Saturday and eventually hung up, and I began to run through menu options for the weekend. It was with that thought that I finally fell asleep, happy in anticipation of spending time with Sookie.

888

Amelia was such a sucker for playing hostess that she invited us all over at the beginning of August for a pool party. I drove over with my amateur but rather decent attempt at potato salad and let myself in, following the sounds to the kitchen where I greeted Amelia and Alcide's sister Janice.

"Hey ladies," I grinned and turned around to see Alcide walking in behind me, holding baby Vicki.

"Look, Vicki, it's Uncle Eric!" Alc told his daughter who babbled, completely indifferent to the idea. I still reached for her and kissed her hello, and remained in the kitchen for a while longer until she started fussing and Alc took her back.

"Where's Ria?"

"Right here," answered Maria, having emerged from the bathroom.

"Hey, beautiful."

"Dude, stop hitting on my wife!" Alcide grumbled. "What do you think, baby? Think Uncle Eric should stop trying to steal mommy away?"

I couldn't help laughing at how whipped he already was, how tightly wrapped around his daughter's finger. Maria stuck her tongue out at her husband and came over to give me a big hug before asking Alc if he was okay with the baby. He nodded so Maria asked me if I was ready to head outside, which is how I ended up leading us to the backyard. I slid open the glass door and stepped out onto the sun-warmed deck just in time to witness some guy pressing a kiss into Sookie's lips. I froze, spun on my heel, and walked back inside, making a beeline for the front door.

"Shit, Eric, stop." I could hear Maria chasing me as I ignored the shocked gazes of the people in the kitchen. She caught up with me on the front porch and reached for my hand to hold me back, tugging with enough force to destroy my momentum and send me stumbling back against the house.

"Fuck," I muttered and buried my face in my hands. "Fuckfuckfuck. Fuck this."

"He's nobody, Eric. He's just some guy."

"Don't bullshit me, Ria. She was comfortable enough to kiss him in front of everybody."

"Alright, fine, so they've gone out on some dates."

"I saw her last week and she didn't say anything," I whispered to nobody in particular. How far back did this go? Had she been with him when we'd been flirting at Amelia's Fourth of July barbecue? Keeping him from me meant he wasn't just some guy she was dating, it meant he was important to her. Important enough that she felt uncomfortable, or ashamed, to tell me about it, and that hurt more than I thought it possibly could. So that was it. I fucking lost her, and I never even got to really have her in the first place. The knot of betrayal in the pit of my stomach rose like bile in my throat and I made a sound shockingly similar to a sob. I flashed to the arm the guy had wrapped around Sookie's waist and felt nauseous.

"I have to go," I mumbled and tried to push past Maria.

"Eric, don't. Just stay, please? At least until you've calmed down." I could see she was worried about me, but her voice seemed to echo and lose their meaning in my head. I could see my car from where I was standing; all I had to do was make it there and drive home, where Sookie wasn't sucking on some guy's tongue. It wasn't until I reached my car that I realized Maria had followed me, and that we now had an audience: Alcide, Tray, and Janice stood on the porch, watching me with worried eyes.

"Ria, go away, please."

"I'm coming with you."

"You can't."

"Don't fucking tell me what I can do," she hissed and wrenched my keys out of my hand. "Get in the front seat, Eric." I glared at her for a moment before realizing that she wasn't about to back down. She hesitated though, when she caught Alc's eyes, and I saw him give her an encouraging nod. Maria drove me home in silence and followed me inside my apartment where I locked myself inside my bedroom in a display of staggering immaturity. I don't know how long I stared up at my ceiling, listening to Ria move around, but eventually I heard the doorbell ringing and not long after two hushed female voice conversing, one rising with urgency before the door opened and shut as someone left. I wondered if Ria had called Pam to come keep an eye on me since she had her own family, so I felt no need to respond to the knock on my door.

"Eric?" A voice called and I closed my eyes, unwilling to accept this latest development. "Eric, please let me in." When I didn't respond, she added, "I'm not leaving until you talk to me. So you can put it off, but it's inevitable."

Fuck. Why was she here? I spent ten minutes deep in thought before relenting and unlocking my door. Sookie peeked in, clearly dreading the scene that would welcome her in the room since she probably expected me to have slit my wrists already. I realized, as she offered me a small smile, that I wasn't just feeling hurt and betrayed; I was furious. Furious with her for all but calling herself mine and then bringing some other guy to our friends' house. Furious for her somehow managing to break my heart when I hadn't even realized it was hers to break. Furious for being perfect, for being the one that got away, for being the one I'd pinned all my hopes on.

"What do you want, Sookie?" I asked, leaning back against my headboard with my legs stretched out. I was still wearing my swimming trunks, I realized and wondered how the party was going. Now, after the fact, I felt guilty for throwing such a tantrum and being such a little shit.

"I'm so sorry you saw me with Sam. I am so, so very sorry." Her eyes filled with tears as she perched on the edge of the mattress. She was wearing a little dress over her bikini and it made my blood boil to think that it was for some other guy to admire.

"Noted. You can go back to him now."

"I don't want to." She seemed shocked that I would even say that and it made me all the more angry.

"I know I said you have every right to date whoever you want, but I'd hoped you'd at least show me the courtesy of not bringing the guy around. Tell me, Sook, how long have you been with him? When I saw you last week? When we had lunch the week before that? Or when we couldn't take our eyes off each other on the Fourth? At what point did you decide to date that guy, knowing that I was under the impression that you wanted me?"

Tears began to slide down her face as I watched and tried not to be affected by them. "He chased me for ages and I just gave in. We've gone out like, three times but Eric, I swear to you, I don't care about him a quarter as much as I care for you. I just didn't know how to keep rejecting him when he wouldn't take the hint. And then fucking Amelia ran into us and invited him over and I didn't know what to do, or how to tell you." Fucking Amelia; this was the second time she'd meddled with our business, though admittedly the first time hadn't gone over too badly at all. "I thought I'd be able to catch you before you got to witness… that."

"A heads up would have been nice."

"I meant to tell you, but I knew you'd be upset." She was definitely full out crying now and it broke my heart all over again. It hit me, in that moment, how unfair I was being. How cruel.

"Don't- don't cry, Sookie. C'mere, it's okay." I reached for her and pulled her body towards mine.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

"Fuck, no, don't you apologize. I'm such a dick. I reacted terribly so I'm sorry. I was just shocked; you have every right to do whatever the fuck you want, wherever you want, and I have no right to say anything about it when I keep pushing you away." My arms wrapped around her waist and I tilted my forehead against the side of her head, and she leaned sideways into my torso. "I'm so sorry I made you cry. I'm so sorry for upsetting you."

"I didn't even want to date him, he's just so fucking persistent."

"I know, I believe you."

"And he's barely taller than me, and he smells like cheap cologne, and all he talks about is sports." The pitch of her voice was still high but I still chuckled at her list of complaints. "And his beard was scratchy. And he fucking kissed me and it was terrible." I couldn't even help it anymore; at that, I laughed. "Really, it sucked!" She sniffled but giggled when I kept laughing. "It was all slobbery and disgusting. It was like he was trying to swallow my face." That was it. My relief that it wasn't anything serious plus the humour in what she was saying banded together and I fucking lost it. She followed my lead as I howled with laughter and we fell backwards on the mattress as we slowly but surely recovered, chuckling quietly in the aftermath. Except now we were incredibly close, our faces only a few inches apart, and I wanted to kiss her so fucking badly I thought I'd break. I hadn't kissed her, _really_ kissed her, since back in February. I never could get enough of her. When her wide blue eyes flicked down to my lips I decided to toss out all the reasons I had to hold back, to not lead her on like I thought I would if I showed her any affection.

"Did he kiss you like this?" I asked softly, closing the distance to press my lips chastely against hers, and she shook her head. "Like this?" I deepened the kiss a little, sucking her bottom lip into mine, and she sighed.

"No."

"No? Like this then?" My hand snuck into her hair, tangling in the long wavy strands to hold her face against mine so I could brush her lip with my tongue and seek the permission she easily granted. She didn't respond, but only because I didn't give her the chance as my tongue slipped into her mouth and she grabbed a fistful of my shirt to hold me close. Satisfied that she wasn't going anywhere I let my hand drift down over her side, stroking the side of her breast and scratching at her waist before settling on her hip. She moaned and sucked on my tongue, throwing a leg over my hips and slotting hers against me. I'd lost my sex drive for months, with the depression, but it had come back as it faded, and now it was quite evident and pressed against her warmth. She ground against me and I groaned, wanting so much more but aware that we had to stop, and soon. It almost broke me but I broke the kiss to plant a trail of them down her neck and to her shoulder, pulling back to smile sadly.

"We should stop."

"Yeah. Okay." Her breathing was ragged, and though she took her leg back her hand moved from my chest to slip around my torso. I smiled and she gave me one back when I pressed a last kiss on her forehead. Unwilling to lose the contact I splayed my hand out against the small of her back and moved it down to her ass, partly to see what her reaction would be.

"I thought you would have gone right for the boobs," she laughed.

"I didn't know- I would have wanted more," I admitted and she gave me a knowing nod. "Break up with him," I ordered and her eyes widened at the edge in my voice before they filled with defiance.

"Because you're jealous?"

"Because I want to date you."

"Eric, I don't want you to date me just because it occurred to you that other men might want me. I want you to date me because you're ready."

"I _am_ ready. I want… you." I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. "God, Sookie, I'm beyond fucking insecure and I'm still neck-deep in trust issues but I want you so badly it hurts." She sat up too, to stroke my hair for me and give me a smile despite the way her chin was quivering. "Say something," I whispered and she shoved me back onto the mattress and straddled my waist to lean down and capture my lips again. Her flimsy little sundress slid up to reveal the smooth skin of her tanned thighs and my hands gravitated towards them.

"No."

I blinked, clearly in the throes of an aneurysm of some kind. "What?"

"Baby, no. You're only saying this because you think you're losing me, but you're not ready."

"I am losing you," I whispered, and she was still on top of me so I could clearly see the effect my words had.

"Because I went out on a couple of dates?" Sookie shook her head. "I told you I might. Don't be like that, Eric. At least I'm not married. You invited me to your wedding and I had to sit there and watch you pledge yourself to Thalia in front of everybody."

"You can't hold that against me. You were the one who left LA."

"You can't hold _that_ against _me._ You know better than that."

I guessed that was what some might call an impasse. I couldn't be upset that she'd left me and that she dated, and she couldn't hold it against me that I married Thalia and didn't want to see her with other men. "I just don't want to witness you dating," I mumbled.

"Well, I'm dumping Sam anyway, and if some other guy asks me I promise to keep it from you."

"What if you're with someone by the time I'm ready?" _What if it was serious, what if I ended up ten years too late?_ I wanted to ask.

Why exactly was it that I wanted her so much after all this time? I asked myself and couldn't come up with an answer that didn't sound pathetic.

"You really are insecure, huh?" She winked and bent down to give me another kiss. "What if by the time you're ready you realize I'm not the one you want? Hmmm, Mr Northman? I've been waiting around for a decade wondering if you're ever going to want me again, are you seriously questioning how invested I am?" I really was insanely insecure, and she sure as hell didn't deserve my hesitance. Instead, I just gathered her hair in my hand and brought her back down to my lips.

"If we're not dating, can I still kiss you?" I hadn't kissed anyone other than Sookie in a whole year; I'd fucking missed it, the simple pleasure of sharing that moment of intimacy with somebody I cared about.

"Maybe." She shot me a coy look. "Sometimes. I'll keep you posted."

I flipped us over so that I was on top of her, and she wrapped her legs around my hips as I belatedly realized how close I was to being inside her. "Then I'm going to keep kissing you until you alert me to a change of protocol," I flirted quietly and met her lips with mine, reveling in her little hum of contentment and then a moan, as I ground myself against her heat. I wanted her, but I didn't know if it was a good idea; I figured the urge itself was a good sign but I didn't know if I'd still think it was a good idea afterwards. The idea of sleeping with Sookie, free of all the complications in my life, was incredibly appealing but I wasn't twenty anymore. The only woman I'd slept with in the past nine years was my wife, though she hadn't returned the favour on the whole fidelity issue. It had been a whole year since her death, as of two weeks ago, and I felt good. I no longer missed her with an aching intensity or wondered why she had resorted to infidelity instead of speaking to me about things. I'd accepted the flaws in my life, the flaws in her character.

So could I do it? Had I absolutely moved on from the woman who had been my wife?

Looking down at Sookie I admired the way her hair had spread across the comforter, the tranquil look in her eyes, her swollen red lips that curved into a smile. I slid my hand up the back of her thigh to cup her ass and rocked my hips against hers again, to gauge her reaction which appeared as a moan and a faint crease between her brows.

"Susie," I murmured and she gasped at the old petname. I'd only ever called her that during sex so she had to knowwhat I meant. She just _had_ to. I was convinced that should she reject me now I would shatter, but I soldiered on in the seemingly vain hope that she wanted me back. I dipped my head to kiss her neck and travel down to the swell of her breasts, tugging at the dress to reveal her tiny black bikini. The bikini went the way of the dress and I tasted my way to her tightened peaks, still fully prepared to back off at a single word as my hand slipped under her bikini bottom over her hips.

"Eric, are you sure?" Her slim fingers tangled in my hair in a contrast to the hesitance in her voice.

"Are you?" Sookie pushed me off to sit up and I felt my heart drop in disappointment until she pulled her dress off, leaving her in a skewed bikini top and rumpled bottoms. "So that's a 'yes'?"

"No." _Shit_. She reached to ease my t-shirt over my head and then raked her eyes down my bare chest. Five months of going on daily runs and trips to the gym meant I was back to being in good shape, the best I had been in since college, and I was pleased to see the lust in her eyes. Her hand moved to cup me through my shorts, "_This _is a 'yes'."

_Shit_. I untied the strings of her top and let it join the dress on the floor, pushing her back to taste her breasts while my fingers scrabbled at the ties on her hips. "I am a fan of this bikini." Her body was a motherfucking wonderland. She was less slim than she had been in college, her breasts a little less perky, but she was still so perfect. Sookie seemed to follow my train of thoughts and retreated ever so slightly so I kissed her chin to meet her gaze. "You're still so perfect."

"You don't have to say that." She squirmed, though why I wasn't sure because she couldn't exactly hide from me, in my well-lit bedroom in the middle of the day.

"Maybe not, but it happens to be true." She was perfect to me, anyways. I kind of liked that she wasn't exactly the same as before; it was a good physical representation of all the things we'd both endured, and I found myself wondering what she thought of me now, naked. When she lifted her hips I tugged the sole remaining piece of cloth away and brought my lips to her stomach, which she instantly sucked in. I couldn't help smiling, a little saddened that she was insecure of her body when it was probably the only thing _I_ was secure about. Mostly, anyways. Pressing a kiss into her stomach I drifted down to nuzzle my face against the little triangle of curls that pointed to where I wanted to be buried. Sookie murmured my name when I put my tongue to work and proceeded to make her moan, growing bolder with every positive response. I realized, as she clenched around my fingers, that I had no condoms, had had no need for them for years, and that unless Sookie had tucked some into the lining of her bikini, things weren't going to go any further. Maybe it was for the best, I thought, though I failed to convince myself.

"Baby." Sookie held out her arms, eyes hazy with pleasure, body relaxed and open from her orgasm. She was so beautiful to me in that moment, completely accepting of whatever I would give, and it was no small turn-on.

"Sookie, I-" I hated to even say the words, like verbalizing the obstacle would solidify it. When I saw the apprehension in her eyes I realized how my hesitance could be taken, and I rushed to comfort her. "I don't have anything. I haven't exactly needed condoms in a while."

Relief flooded her features, though she tried to hide it. "I'm on the pill, Eric, and I get tested regularly."

"I'm clean too." I almost shrugged. Considering the number of women I'd slept with this millennium was exactly _one_, it wasn't too shocking, but I'd had a full check-up a few months ago as part of my whole fresh start thing. Now, I was grateful for my thoroughness.

"Would you like to risk it?"

"Well," I thought about it for oh, one second. "If you get pregnant from this one time, we might as well hit up Vegas." I'd already moved to lie beside her so it was easy to bring my mouth to hers.

"Or, you could pull out."

What. "Really?" Grinning, she shook her head and kissed me back, sneaking a hand inside my trunks. I groaned instantly, on edge from the sounds she'd been making as I made her come, and barely managed to slide off my shorts. With her hand on me it became even more difficult to concentrate but I tried, even managing to mumble out that I was nervous, like it was my first time.

"It'll be perfect no matter what, because it's you." Her hands cupped my face before moving down to guide me, and then…

And then I was inside her, thrusting, panting, groaning, sweating. Our hips churning us closer to climax while our hands stroked and tweaked and pinched and soothed, pushing us higher and higher until she came with a stifled cry. My own sounds were muffled in her neck as I came, tensing with my release before we became a thoughtless mass of limbs.

And she was right. It was perfect, because it was us. Because I was in love with her – again, or perhaps still, I wasn't quite sure right then and it didn't matter. I stayed inside her and her hands traversed my body, and when I slipped out she pouted and stretched up to kiss me. I took the warm hands cupping my face and brought them to my mouth, liking that she hooked a leg over my hips to keep me there – as if I had anywhere else I wanted to be. And even though it was only midday I settled myself on my side beside her and closed my eyes, listening to the sound of her breathing even out. Searching my memory I failed to come up with the last instance I'd felt this happy, this _content_, and yet this wasn't permanent. I knew that but wasn't quite willing to accept it right then, with Sookie's breasts pushed against my chest and her warm breath fanning over my neck, her hand drawing shapes over my back. The words to express how I felt were right there, perched on the tip of my tongue, ready to be let out into the contented silence, but I wasn't prepared to say them any more than she was prepared to hear them. Instead I murmured into her hair that I thought she was beautiful, that she took my breath away, that she was perfect and amazing and the one that got away. Wordlessly she brought her body flush against mine and pressed kisses into my chest, and that is when I let myself drift off.  
>I awoke at dusk in my dimly lit bedroom, alone.<p> 


	4. Flashback 1

Alright guys, this is it. I'm slowly but surely giving up on FF. After struggling to post this, I went and updated my wordpress blog so that it's now ready to go. I think I'm going to start posting more regularly there, and I will move _Somewhere Only We know_ over there too, once I've got the next chapter ready.  
>Having said that, this is a really short chapter but I realize I haven't updated in over three weeks so I thought I'd go ahead and give you guys something, at least. Let me know what you think, even if you're beyond frustrated with me for taking forever. You guys are great for sticking with me.<p>

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><p><strong>December 1997<strong>

I fumbled with the condom but managed to get it on at last, moving atop her body to find her shaking.

"Baby, you're shaking." I would hate this if I didn't desperately want it, want her. She'd been so relaxed a minute ago when I made her cum but now she was tensing up again.

"I'm just really nervous," she whispered, as if we weren't all alone in my dorm room.

"What are you nervous about?" I figured talking it out would help.

"That it… won't be good. For you. I already expect it won't be for me."

"You know I will do my very best to not hurt you," I murmured, stroking her hair back from her face.

"I know that, but it's inevitable. I just want it to feel good for you."

"Don't worry about me," I chuckled and nuzzled her cheek. "I won't die if I don't cum. This isn't about me, it's about you. I want you to be comfortable."

"I'm just really nervous," Sookie repeated, chuckling apologetically.

"You have nothing to be nervous about," I soothed, pressing my lips to her forehead. "You're perfect."

"Shut up."

"You are perfect," I repeated, pressing a firm kiss to her cheekbone and sitting back on my haunches to run my hands up and down her spread thighs. Quivering under my touch, she whimpered and blushed, reaching to smack my hands away.

"Eric."

"Sookie," I mimicked her tone and she chuckled despite herself before pulling me back down on top of her. I tested her entrance and found her ready, physically at least. "Ready?" She nodded and I kissed her, deeply and thoroughly until she was no longer tense beneath me. When I pushed in ever so slightly Sookie gasped and I groaned, barely even registering the fact that her hands were cold and clammy on my back.

"Go slow, but don't pull out if it starts hurting."

I frowned despite the overwhelming pleasure of my cock inside her. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I don't want to drag it out." She looked quite determined and so I pushed in slowly, watching the mix of discomfort and pleasure flash across her face before the former evolved into pure pain.

"Ow," she gasped, nails digging into my back to keep me from stopping. "Oh god," she whimpered and hid her face against my neck to hide what I was doing to her. I cursed every biological reason behind the pain and pushed in until I was completely sheathed inside her body. Only then did I stop and take stock of Sookie's condition.

"Baby?"

"I'm okay." I could feel her tears smearing on my neck; I was not convinced. When at last I pulled out she released a sound shockingly similar to a sob, and I drew the line. Her being in pain I had prepared for; shedding actual tears was not something I had any interest in instigating. We could try again another time, I promised, and tossed the condom but not before noting the blood on it with a grimace. To my utter shock she was upset with me for stopping, and somehow convinced that I had changed my mind.

"Sookie, you're my girlfriend, my mind is already made up."

"So what, you just don't want to have sex with me?" She sniffled and refused to relax into my hold.

"I don't want to make you cry," I explained in my most soothing voice. I loved her; seeing her in so much pain due to something that was supposed to feel good was not something I wanted engraved in my psyche. Except now she was actually crying, quietly, from the pain or something emotional, I wasn't quite sure. Pulling her close to my body I stroked my fingers up and down her back and murmured soothing words until the sobs had died down. Still sniffling, Sookie tucked her face against my neck and didn't say anything, and for the first time I began to worry that she was upset with me.

"Are you mad at me?" She shook her head. "Then what is it?"

"I'm just humiliated."

"Because I stopped? Baby, that's silly."

Indignation flashed across her tear-streaked features. "It's not silly! There was all this build-up to tonight and then I couldn't even keep it together for more than a minute before I started bawling. It's embarrassing."

"You were in pain," I justified, stroking her arm. "This was just… preparation, for your actual first time having sex, which is going to feel amazing, I will make sure of that."

"I'm pretty sure this was considered the first time," she snorted.

"Nope. This was just something we had to do in order to get to the first time," I stood by my word and cast about for an appropriate metaphor. "Like having to do your homework before watching TV. It was something bad before something good."

"You're so full of it," she mumbled half-heartedly.

"No," I bent down to whisper it in her ear. "I just really love you." Her lovely skin flushed at that and her eyes darted up to meet mine, wide with disbelief.

"Really?"

"Really truly."

"Oh my god, Eric!" She wrapped her arm tight around my waist, and I relaxed, no longer tense with the anticipation of my confession. When at last she pulled back there was no longer any trace of sadness in her eyes, and I smiled at how pleased she looked. "Eric, I love you too." The flurry of emotions those few words evoked in me was breathtaking, and I bent down to capture her lips. A while later she slipped out from under the sheets and covered up with a nightgown in order to pad down to the bathroom and clean up. When she returned, I insisted that she undress and she relented, though she covered herself up with the sheets instantly.

"Let me see you," I whined, reaching for her, and she laughed and swatted my hands away. "Sookie," I tried a different tone. "Come here. Let me see you," I coaxed and she shot me a hesitant look, nibbling on her own lip for a moment before surrendering. I gently pulled the sheet away and propped myself up on my side, running a hand across the plans of her torso. "You are the sexiest girl I've ever laid eyes on," I whispered and she giggled in response, instinctively glancing over at the poster of Yasmin Bleeth I had mounted on my wall. "She's got nothing on you."

"Hey, even I'll admit she's hot," Sookie giggled again and I shrugged in response.

"She's just some girl on TV. You're the real thing," I added, my hand cupping her breast before flattening over her pubic bone, just to feel the warmth of her skin.

"You're really good-looking. I was having a minor breakdown when I asked you out."

"Well, I'm glad you survived the ordeal," I chuckled and nuzzled my face into her hair. "Why did you ask me out?" I had never been asked out, as strange as that may have sounded. Propositioned, yes, but asked out to an honest to god date? Never. I had usually been the one to ask girls out, and the girls in question had a tendency to be fake; hot, but shiny plastic and deep as a kiddie pool. Sookie had been different from the very first moment when she walked up to me at the frat party and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie sometime. There had been something about the way she'd nervously swirled her drink plus the movie suggestion which was so innocent in itself that had made me accept. Plus, I'd watched her dancing with her friends and the way she moved on the dance floor had been enough to get my attention.

"Because I thought you were gorgeous, and because Amelia made me."

"Amelia made you?"

Sookie nodded. "She convinced me, built up my confidence."

"Why did she care that much?"

"Because I'd seen you before and she'd tried to convince me to dance with you at another party but I wussed out."

"You liked me?" I grinned.

"I did," Sookie blushed and turned to face me, her lips tantalizingly close to mine.

"I guess I owe Amelia a thank you for pushing you," I murmured, capturing her bottom lip.

"I guess I do too. God knows you were never going to notice me."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying, I was not your type."

"I noticed you before you asked me out," I defended. "And what do you mean, you weren't my type?"

"Oh come on," Sookie rolled her eyes. "I'm not a size 0 in tight jeans with hair extensions and too much eye makeup."

"You're not a size 0?" I asked and she laughed and backhanded me in the bicep.

"Loser."

"What size do you wear?"

"That is not the point."

"What is the point?"

"That you wouldn't have asked me out. Not for anything other than sex."

"Maybe not, because I didn't know you. But I did notice you dancing, and I thought you were pretty, and then you actually asked me out and I decided I liked you. You were different." Sookie just smiled and made a sound in contentment when I pressed a kiss to her temple. "So what size do you wear?"

"Eric! That's very private, isn't it?"

"I suppose it would be off-limits if we weren't both naked right now," I allowed but gave her a look that conveyed I would not be dropping this. Not that it really mattered what size she wore, but I figured it could come in handy at some point. She mumbled something. "What was that?"

"Six, okay, I said six." She flushed, and I frowned in confusion at her embarrassment.

"Baby, that's tiny."

"No it's not."

I brushed my thumb over her stomach. "I think you're beautiful." She seemed to be fighting the urge to roll her eyes and dismiss me, but strengthened her resolve and graciously thanked me instead.

"So are you. Inside and out. I didn't think you were going to be anything other than a really gorgeous guy I would go out on a couple of dates with," she laughed, "but I'm glad it didn't turn out the way I thought it would."

"As comforting as your faith in me is, I'd have to say I agree."


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: Here is chapter four, for those of you who haven't made the switch to my Wordpress account, where I've already uploaded the two chapters that come after this. _Somewhere Only We Know_ is going to get moved there too, once I get back to it, and I'll only post a few chapters of all subsequent stories here, just so you FF fans can be in the know!

Having said that, I hope you like this (if you haven't read it already) and drop me a lil' review or something, if you like it! Your love and support continues to take my breath away.

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><p><em>Chapter Four<em>

Things were not good, if I were to be very generous in my description. For someone with abandonment and trust issues such as myself it was not an ideal situation to be walked away from, and so I spent the following weeks absorbed in my work. A call to Dr Crane and I upped the number of my per-week sessions, and she managed to talk me down. I was furious with Sookie for walking away and I couldn't help feeling used; she hadn't left me a note or called me which just confirmed what I'd assumed, that she regretted it. Perhaps things with Sam had more potential than she'd let on, or maybe he just wasn't as damaged as I was. He was unbroken, capable of providing her with everything she needed instead of depending on her like I no doubt would. And she had rejected my saying that I wanted to be with her, but I had brushed it aside thinking she could be convinced when she clearly couldn't be. It hurt to think that she had changed her mind regarding what she had promised in February about waiting for me, about wanting me – perhaps she had never meant it in the first place. Five months was a long time to wait for a guy to be ready for a relationship. Hell, ten years was a long time to wait for a guy to be available. If she had just grown tired of waiting, could I blame her?

A part of me – the small, pathetic heartbroken part still struggling with depression – wondered if this was it, if it was my fate to be broken and alone for the rest of my life, because I now realized I never should have let Sookie get away. I should have fought for her, I should have tried to keep her.

A week after the disastrous pool party, I steeled my resolve and asked Sophie-Ann out to dinner. We proceeded to spend an evening eating overpriced food and forcing not-quite-sparkling conversation, and when I walked her to her door she pulled me down into a kiss. I went with it, still hoping for that spark but resigning myself to the fact that there was nothing. Sophie-Ann was oblivious though, and the following Monday I had the awful task of expressing my disinterest in pursuing anything with her.

At the two week mark I had plans to take Maria an emergency shipment of diapers since Alcide had failed to purchase some before he had left for a weekend trip for work. I was sure Maria would tear him a new one when he returned, both of them quite tense and unhappy in the face of Alcide's first time away from his girls and Maria's first weekend parenting alone. The last time we'd spoken had been when she had called me the morning after the pool party, wondering if I was alright and I had done my best to play it off.

"Did you and Sookie talk?"

"Yeah, yeah we did." I'd cleared my throat and changed the subject, and for once in her life Maria had let it go. Regardless, that day I purchased the exact type of diapers Maria had requested and headed over with the most indulgent kind of pastries I could find in an attempt at cheering her up. The door was unlocked when I reached the house, and I dropped off the box of French macarons and followed Maria's voice upstairs to the nursery where she was busy changing Vicki's clothes.

"Hey Beautiful," I called out from the doorway and she looked up.

"Hey, you." She gave me an exhausted smile that brightened when she saw the massive box of diapers. "Oh, I love you."

"Don't let Alc hear you say that," I laughed and put the box in the corner of the cheery room. Maria finished up putting the onesie on the baby and I offered to take her, cooing as she gave me a gummy smile.

"Hi, beautiful girl," I murmured, feeling my own mood lighten thanks to the baby's simply sunny disposition. I envied her for a second, envied her simple existence. All she needed were some cuddles and the very basic human needs, and she was the happiest camper. Maria smiled at us and began to lead me downstairs.

"So what did you bring me?" She asked with a knowing look. I always brought her something, though I always pretended to forget.

"The diapers were not enough?"

"Shut up. Where is my gosh darn food?"

"Good job on the language." I bounced Vicki a bit in my arms and she squealed in delight. "There's macarons in the fridge." Maria gave me a look of pure delight and off she went. I hung around for a while, helping feed the baby and putting her down for a nap before the two of us sat down on the couch with tea and the pastries.

"So I've been patient, but now tell me what happened with Sookie." She took a bite out of a lime macaron and moaned quietly, and I took a second to smile at her.

"Nothing happened."

"Did you have sex?" I choked on the tea and her eyes widened. "Eric Northman, you have got to be kidding me. You had sex? Then what happened?"

I grimaced; if only I knew. "We, uh, fell asleep and when I woke up she was gone. And I haven't talked to her since."

Maria looked furious. "No wonder she's been so upset!"

"_She__'__s_ upset?"

"Of course she is, you huge idiot! You've spent five months telling her you're not ready for a relationship and then you slept with her? She probably ran away before you had the chance to tell her it was just a fuck and nothing else."

"I told her I wanted us to date and she shot me down, Ria."

"Because she didn't believe you, dumbass." Maria rolled her eyes. "Poor girl."

"Nononono, _not_ 'poor Sookie'. Poor Eric. I asked her to dump that jackass so we could be together and she dismissed me because _she_ decided I wasn't ready. We fucked and she peaced out like I was some fratboy she picked up at the bar, no note, no nothing."

"Oh get the fuck over yourself, Eric. Wake up and realize what it's taken her to be just your friend all these years. She wanted you for _years_but didn't do anything about it because you were happy with Thalia, and then she spent five months supporting you and being your friend even though it killed her. And then you have the balls to tell her to dump Sam? Sam who is actually good to her, who cares about her, who doesn't fuck with her emotions? And yeah, he's not you but how long is she supposed to wait anyways? She ran away because she was protecting herself, because there's only so much she can take. If you actually fucking wanted to be with her, you should have managed to man up without needing Sam's hands all over her to trigger your jealous ass. And if you still fucking want her then put on your big girl panties and go tell her that instead of wallowing in misery."

"I couldn't be with her when I was that fucked up, Ria."

"Again, get over yourself. Nobody is completely functional but that's the beautiful thing about relationships; you tend to find somebody who helps you with your dysfunction and accepts your flaws. And guess what, Sookie's known about all your flaws and she still wants you. You think Alc and I are still together because we're perfect? He cheated on me."

"What?" They'd always seemed like the perfect couple.

"Yeah, in college. We'd been together for six months and he was afraid of being in love with me so he cheated, and then panicked and told me. And I got why he was afraid and as difficult as it was I managed to get over it because he was worth it. I dealt with his dysfunction and he clearly deals with mine on a daily basis. So I suggest you figure out a way to accept that you're not perfect, because Sookie sure as hell isn't looking for perfection." And with that, she selected another macaron and took a bite out of it. I gaped at her for several long moments as she chewed and drank some more of her tea, and then jumped to my feet.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm putting on my big girl panties and going to 'fucking' tell Sookie that I 'fucking' want her." I gave her a little smile, admittedly a little mad at her for bitching me out like that but grateful too, that she did it. To my surprise she rose and wrapped her arms tight around my waist.

"All yelling aside, Eric, it's not just Sookie who deserves better. You deserve so much happiness after this whole year."

"Thank you for taking care of me, this whole time. For being my friend. I love you so much."

"Love you too." She pulled back to smile up at me. "And it was no problem. Now go get 'er."

I drove like a madman, even by LA standards, and pulled up in front of Sookie's condo half an hour later. I'd almost talked myself out of the whole thing so I took a minute to take some deep breaths and, when that didn't work, I called Ria.

"What, what'd she say, what did you say?" She sounded breathless and I could hear the baby babbling in the background.

"Nothing, I haven't asked her yet. Ria, I don't know if this is a good idea." I looked over at what I knew to be Sookie's bedroom window. I had a brief vision of myself holding a boombox or reciting Shakespearean monologues late at night, and smiled faintly.

"Alright. Did you miss her when she left?"

I frowned. "What, of course I did."

"Were you happy that she moved back?"

"Yeah? Yes, I was." I was still not quite sure what she was doing.

"Were you happy when you were, ya know, together?"

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the steering wheel. I'd never been happier that she wanted me, after all this time, when I felt so undeserving of her. "Ria, I love her."

"Then get your ass over there and win her back, ya dum-dum."

"What if she says 'no'? Again?"

"Then you have to come back here and drive me over there so I can talk some sense into _her_." She sounded quite dangerous, though the baby sounds kind of took the edge off and I chuckled. "Now go. Go-go-go." I hung up and got out of the car fast enough that I didn't have the chance to pussy out. I managed to slip into the building thanks to the little old lady who held the door open for me on her way out, and I ran up to the second floor to the right door. I reached up to knock but was not given the chance as the door swung open and I came face to face with somebody who I'd only ever seen with his tongue in Sookie's mouth. For a moment I fully intended to walk away but a thought occurred to me then: she'd chased me two weeks ago, even though I had failed to do the same ten years earlier. And I'd failed again, when she'd walked away. She deserved me to pull my shit together and fight for her for once instead of crawling into a cave to wallow in my own misery. So instead of running away like a little bitch that everything inside me was screaming me to be, I steeled my resolve and offered Sam a greeting utterly lacking in enthusiasm. He shot me a suspicious look and opened his mouth to ask me who the hell I was but seemed to change his mind. "You know what, I was just about to leave." Now he just looked pissed and I wondered what it was exactly he thought I was doing there. He brushed past me, leaving me standing in front of the wide open door unsure of what to do. That problem solved itself when Sookie stomped to the door, her tear-streaked face arranging into a surprised expression when she noticed me standing there. Shit. If he hurt her, I would kill him.

"What happened?" Gatsby padded up behind her and licked at her feet, whimpering. Beyond the tears, Sookie's hair was in a messy bun and she was dressed in ratty sweats and a tanktop, and right now she was looking awfully self-conscious.

"I avoided him for two weeks and we just broke up. He wasn't very gracious about it." She sniffled and I fought the urge to grin and pump my fist, a task easily managed when I kept in mind how upset she looked.

"I'm sorry, Sook."

"No, you're not," she laughed half-heartedly so I cracked a smile.

"I'm sorry you're upset," I amended and, when her chin started quivering, closed the distance between us to wrap my arms around her. I wondered for the hundredth time if Sam had meant more to her than she'd let on but realized that I could actually ask her this time. "Baby, why are you crying?"

"Remember how I could never handle people yelling at me?" I definitely did and nodded. "Turns out I still can't."

"He yelled at you because you said you wanted to break up?" What a douche. I definitely needed to kick his ass.

"Well, he asked if there was somebody else and I said there was, so he did not take it well."

"You said there was somebody else?" I asked, feeling strangely hopeful as she stepped out of my arms.

"I figured sleeping with somebody else while we were dating was a pretty good indicator of where the relationship was going," she grimaced. "Oh, I'm being a terrible host. Come in, have a seat." I'd already closed the door but I followed her into the living room, forcing her to sit down next to me instead of catering to my needs like the good host she was raised to be. I smiled when Gatsby curled up at Sookie's feet and reached down to give his ear a scratch. "So, I wouldn't care why you're here if I was wearing real people clothes and didn't look like crap, but what are you doing here?"

"You don't look like crap," I smiled. Admittedly I felt braver, knowing that she broke things off with Sam because of me.

"You're sweet," she mumbled, picking at her sweats, and I reached for her hands and took a deep breath to steady myself.

"I wanted to come over and tell you that I want to be with you. I don't know why you left after we slept together, and quite frankly it sucked, but it doesn't really matter because I still want you."

"Eric," she murmured, looking like she was going to cry again, and I started planning out what I would say to Dr Crane to get her to schedule me for more sessions, because this was clearly going to be another considerable setback. "I want to be with you too."

Wait. "What?"

"I was so afraid you were going to panic after we slept together that _I_ ended up panicking. I thought you were going to kick me out and I kinda wanted to avoid the crying jag that was going to induce."

"Hey, give me – and the therapy and the antidepressants – _some_ credit here," I grinned as the weight of what she'd said truly hit me and I pulled her face to mine. She kissed me back enthusiastically and I pulled her close, shamelessly feeling her up.

"Baby," she murmured when my hands started drifting to her sweats.

"Yeah?"

Her hands stopped mine from progressing and I met her gaze, wondering if she had changed her mind. "Uhm, I can't."

"I don't understand."

"Not this week."

"Ohh. Right." I relocated my hands to rest them on her hips. I probably should have picked up on that sooner; the outfit used to be a dead giveaway.

"Sorry," she mumbled sheepishly.

"Don't be sorry," I snorted and bent to kiss her again, trapping her when she made to move off my lap. "I want to tell people you're my girlfriend."

"Okay." She bit her lip and grinned, blushing. Of course that was the moment my phone vibrated in my pocket. "Oooh, happy to see me?" When I winked at her she laughed and I tugged the phone out to see I had a new text from Maria.

_What__'__s__happening?_

I quickly responded and tried to put the phone back but she snatched it out of my hand, quickly pulling up the conversation to look at my response. "'She's mine'? Seriously?" Her brow quirked upwards and I waited for her to tell me off. "You're mine too, I hope you realize that," she told me and sent another text to Ria on my behalf:

_And__I__'__m__hers._

Ria responded a second later to say hello to Sookie and I laughed, pleased that Maria knew us well enough to realize who sent which text. Sookie laughed too and I put the phone aside to pull her into my lap, pleased that she went willingly. I tilted her head away and began peppering kisses all over her neck, slipping a hand under her shirt to rest it on her waist. She giggled and pulled my hand away with a little chastising click of her tongue.

"I just want to be close to you." I had this incredible urge to press my naked body against hers and I desperately wished we could. "Hey, we could always have period sex."

"Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Um, that is strangely sweet, I think, but no thank you." I inclined my head and stroked the skin of her back. "Eric," she sighed, sounding frustrated now.

"I got you; no sex. Can I just stay here?" I gave her the puppy dog eyes and hoped to god that her irritation would fade away. "I'll keep my hands PG-rated. Maybe PG-13 at the most. Just let me hold you." Smiling hopefully, I was thrilled to see her eyes had filled with warmth and I squeezed her hip.

"Alright, just let me go change."

"You're fine like this."

"Aw, you're sweet." She patted my knee but got up, telling me to make myself at home over her shoulder before disappearing into her bedroom where I desperately wished I could join her. When she emerged a few minutes later she was wearing pajama shorts and a tank top and her hair was down, and she might have as well been in a ball gown based on how good she looked to me. I smiled and gave her a kiss – a real one, with some tongue – before giving her the once-over.

"Better?"

"You still look beautiful to me," I replied. It was definitely an improvement, seeing her bare legs and the swell of her breasts, though I would have been okay regardless, assuming she was in my arms. And I was definitely counting on her being in my arms. Sookie rolled her eyes and looked beyond me to her DVD shelf. "I thought we could watch a movie or some TV?"

"I'd like that," she grinned. "I was going to order in some dinner, but I think I could throw together some pasta if you'd like?"

"We could still order in, I don't care what we have." We ended up calling for some Thai food and settled on the couch to watch some _30__Rock_ DVDs, which quickly became a _30__Rock_ marathon. The food arrived and we enthusiastically dug in, stuffing our faces and only hesitating to pop in a fresh DVD. We cleaned up together, slipping in some barely-inappropriate touches before curling up on the couch. I slumped and she snuggled into my side, one leg thrown over my lap and her head resting on my shoulder where she would press occasional kisses. My hand stroked up and down her back and I closed my eyes whenever I remembered that she was really mine. Really and truly mine; I could take her out and kiss her and touch her, and not feel like a little shit over it.

"You are so perfect," I whispered, nuzzling her hair, and she hummed happily.

"And you are so incredibly sweet." Sookie grinned and tilted her face up to kiss me.

"I can't believe you're mine."

"Better believe it."

"I'm sorry in advance for being a distrusting, jealous, insecure dick."

She looked thoughtful. "We should probably set some ground rules, or establish a code word or something."

"How do you mean?"

"Like, no matter how jealous or insecure you get, always try to at least give me the chance to explain myself and not be snippy with me. Because if you're snippy then I'm going to be snippy and things will just snowball."

"Right. So, take a deep breath and a step back whenever I get jealous." I nodded. Sounded simple enough, though I was afraid it wouldn't be as easy in practice. I would try though, for her, for us. "Anything else?"

"A code word, maybe, for when and if you're getting carried away and I just need you to give me the benefit of the doubt."

"Like what?"

She exhaled and cast a look around the place, her eyes settling on the TV and what had to be the sixth consecutive episode. "Ooh, how about 'Cheesy Blasters'?"

"You really want our code word to be a _30__Rock_ reference?" I couldn't help laughing. "Alright, I guess that works. I was also thinking…"

"Congratulations."

"Oh you funny woman. I was thinking that maybe it'd be good if you came with me to my sessions, for a little while. I mean, if you're okay with that."

"You'd want me there?" She looked taken aback.

"Sure. I mean, you might get dragged into the therapy, but it can't hurt, right?"

"You know what, I think I just might do that." Her expression brightened as she added, "It makes me so glad that you want that."

"It makes me so glad that you want _me_."

"I know what you mean," Sookie smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling, and I reached to wrap my arms around her.

"Thank you for waiting for me."

"Well, I'll admit I sometimes worried it would be in vain," she murmured into my neck and I literally ached.

"Never in vain." I shook my head. "You saved me."


	6. Flashback 2

****Hey y'all! Remember me? Another reminder for those of you who haven't switched over to my Wordpress yet, where this story is posted in its entirety. If you haven't read it yet, I hope you enjoy it, enough to drop me a line or two. I hope you all had a very happy new year =]

**April 1999-June 2004**

As clichéd as it sounded to say this, Sookie took a part of me with her when she left. I'd spent so long being half of a whole, with her, loving her and being loved, that in her absence I found myself floundering for something to be. I'd spent so long defining myself – in part – by what she'd made me, that I was no longer sure what I was without her presence.  
>That, and I still loved her. Desperately, deep-in-my-soul loved her. We'd cut all forms of communications, relying on our friends to keep us updated on how the other was doing. I tried being optimistic, because I had so much to be happy about, but there were nights when I'd crawl into bed, feeling like the most insignificant fuck in the universe because the girl I loved was no longer mine.<p>

Sookie left – I tried not to say "left _me_" because it sounded just too angsty – in April. The summer was spent job searching and trying to start my real life, the life free of midterms and assignments and projects. I dated, occasionally, which translated to a string of one-night stands whenever I felt like catering to my needs with something other than porn and my right hand. I moved into an apartment with a roommate, and bought a piece of shit car to get me by. Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent with the couple brigade I'd once been a part of, since my parents were going on a Caribbean cruise and Pam was in Aspen with a girlfriend, and nobody else had family near LA. I welcomed the new millennium with feigned enthusiasm that year, fully aware of how careful an eye my friends were keeping on me. I did receive a Christmas card from Sookie though, which was intended to be a thoughtful gesture but ended up making me even more acutely aware of where she should have been, in LA, instead of where she was.

That January, Alcide and I put on matching tuxes and stood by Tray's side as he married Amelia, the composed smile on his face masking the utter joy evident in his eyes. I met _her _in August, at a coffee shop that would later be remodeled into a Starbucks, standing in line for her triple caramel macchiato. She shot me a sideways look, smiled, and looked down at her sandals, scuffing her feet on the tile. She was beautiful, with a mess of curly blonde hair that reached her waist and dressed in a Bohemian-looking dress that wafted as she moved up the line. I waited until she had ordered before talking to her, and she ended up giving me her number, scrawling it on my cup with a felt pen she borrowed from the barista.

"Resourceful," I laughed.

"Cute Coffee Guy asks you for your number, you find a way." She grinned back.

"Cute Coffee Guy, huh?"

"I may have seen you here once or twice," Thalia blushed, ever so slightly, and I noticed the perfect lines of her lips.

"So you're saying it took me long enough?"

"Exactly."

We took things slow, since whenever we would take a step forward I would find myself plagued with thoughts of Sookie and how effortless it had been, being with her. We'd become inseparable within a few short days thanks to our close proximity and our incredible mutual attraction. With Thalia, as beautiful and funny as she was, there were always things to work around, but I figured that was good. That was how adults went about relationships, right? They worked around each other's schedule and held hands walking down the street and didn't sneak into side alleys to kiss because they couldn't keep their hands off of each other.

Instead, we went out for dinner a few times, kissing but nothing more for over a month, both of us content with the pace. The first time I slept over was great, and afterwards we made breakfast in our underwear before going right back to bed. It felt different with her; my relationship with Sookie had been so much lighter, so carefree, while with Thalia every step felt like something significant, like the difference between walking in a kiddie pool and wading through the ocean. Thalia required so much more of me, where with Sookie I had just given her everything without a second thought, and I decided that was how things were supposed to be.

Adults didn't share earth-shaking kisses or stay up all night thinking about each other; adults only made plans on weekends and toned down the affection so as to not be inappropriate in public. And, I couldn't be hung up on Sookie forever.

And I loved Thalia. After a few months, I decided she was it, and somehow she felt the same way. I introduced her to Sookie about a year into our relationship, when she was in town visiting, and Sookie had given me a sad look before shaking Thalia's hand. Meanwhile, Thalia had given me a look like she knew exactly what I hadn't told her, that Sookie and I shared a history, and had proceeded to be perfectly polite to my ex. I had no idea what Sookie's look had meant; we'd been separated for over two years. She was living close to her Gran, from what I'd been told, taking care of her in lieu of Jason who was always a bit too self-centered to step up and do the same. As far as I knew, she was happy, so the look only served to confuse me. That, and I'd always figured she would be the one to move on first, once her decision was made. Not that she loved me any less, but I'd assumed Sookie was pragmatic enough to accept that getting over me was inevitable, and so I'd scrambled to keep up with her perceived ease in moving on. Still, I wrote off Sookie's look as a momentary lapse, the kind people experience when they see their ex with somebody else, and not as a sign that she was still hung up on me.

Three years later, she RSVP'd yes to my wedding and showed up with a date, some guy with sideburns and the seeming inability to smile. It was so warm that day in early June, though not as warm as I was sure it would get in just a few weeks. We got married at night, outdoors at this amazing little event centre owned by one of Thalia's friends. It was in essence an oversized deck on the beach, lit by tastefully-strewn Christmas lights and low tables and cushions instead of the traditional chairs and circular tables. Thalia had looked beautiful, as we stood under the little archway of vines and more Christmas lights, and said our vows with our eyes locked. I couldn't stop smiling the whole time, and when we kissed she squeezed my hand and whispered she loved me. Afterwards, as we did our rounds and thanked our guests, Sookie had hugged me and wished me all the happiness in the world, giving Thalia a brilliant smile and sincere well wishes that Thalia had returned less than enthusiastically. That had made Sookie's smile falter, and she'd looked at me with an inquisitive look, as if wondering what exactly I was doing, getting married to someone who wasn't her. But that had gone away before I could give it too much thought and Sookie's date had led her away, leaving me with my new wife. I'd watched her all night, entranced by her very presence there, in a place where she used to belong, with us. She'd talked and laughed with our friends and danced with her date and kissed my cheek goodnight along with Maria and Amelia when Thalia and I made to leave, and on our way to the hotel I found myself thinking about her, about us, and how we used to be. I brushed those thoughts aside, however, as we reached the honeymoon suite I'd booked for us and my wife led me to the bed with a serene look on her face and I let myself be happily distracted.

My life had seemed so perfect back then.

Except, despite all my beliefs, Thalia hadn't been as flawless as I'd always thought; there was a part of her that I never got to become a part of, a partition I never got past. A part of her heart that was never mine, but one she gave willingly to William Compton.


End file.
